Connecting with teens can be tricky business. Being a parent to a teen often feels like wandering through a maze of mirrors in a circus. Just when you think you’ve found the right turn, boom, another mirror that shows you a distorted image of yourself or them. You say something simple to your teen, only to be met with a face of disgust or grumbling, monosyllabic replies. Intimidated or angered, you shut down or shrug it off, saying to yourself, “Teens! I can’t wait till this phase is over.” You start to give up on connecting with them, letting them do their thing, while you do yours. But teens need to know you as much as you need to know them. And developing this exchange means caring for you and them.
KEY INSIGHTS:
- Teens need you for emotional support and to help them think critically
- Connecting with your teen helps them navigate dynamic and challenging social situations
- Sharing your gifts and talents with your teens is good for you and them. Teaching your teen to enjoy hobbies, art, music, etc., helps with personal fulfillment.
- Developing open conversations with your teen creates values-development and teen identity.
- Being an intentional and present parent to your teen is self care because it satisfies a need to be a good parent
Building strong inner-life connections with your teens means having influence on them. It enriches their sense of identity. A reciprocal relationship gives them ideas to play off of for finding their world-views. It helps them find their personalities and to take psychological risks that are important for their relationships with peers and for investing in their duties and life education. But not only that, having your teens know you is good for you, as well. It allows you to feel connected to your child, which encourages a sense of parental pride and fulfillment. You feel as though you’re doing right by your kid (which wards off aging with regret about not having been more present!).
I’m here to argue that being an engaged and known parent is one of the best gifts you can give your teenager. Let’s explore these ideas and some strategies for developing connection with your teen.
Teens Need You to Connect with Them
Let’s face it: most teens want to be out in the world exploring and doing new things, testing their new-found independence and budding adult behaviors- without mom or dad lugging after them. This helps them form their identity and thinking. However, the real world can trigger strong emotions and challenges for teens that they aren’t psychologically equipped to handle yet (think drugs and alcohol, sex, relationship conflicts) because their brains are not fully formed.
Having a home base where they can land to get emotional support and information on how to deal with stressors helps them navigate these tough times. It helps them process difficulties, grow from them, and to be able to solve their problems. Without the support of involved caregivers, teens are more susceptible to escape their feelings with unhealthy behaviors.
Why Connect with Teens? They Need You For:
- Help navigating their emotions: labeling them, processing them, shifting out of them (they often watch you for how to do this so be mindful on how you’re dealing with your own emotions. Do you bottle them and brood or are you respectfully open about them and work through them?).
- Perspectives on big things like sex and alcohol and drugs, morality and value-forming. Help them think! Remember, their brains are not fully formed until they are 25ish. They can be impulsive and emotionally driven. It’s very important that you talk with them to help them think. They may see things differently than you but knowing what your opinion and beliefs are on these things is key to helping them form their opinions. If you can have honest, open conversations about these topics, where you’re not lecturing or giving dictates but just respectfully asserting your views and why you hold them, it will really help your teen become a good critical thinker. They will have a starting perspective when out with their friends in a new situation. Trust me, what you say matters to them even if they don’t act like it. You can fill them with great values if you impart them in a way that is confident, respectful, and backed with fair reason.
- Your talents, hobbies, and gifts: Imparting to your kids the things that you’re good at is such a great gift to them. Teaching them new skills, art, music or woodcraft- whatever you’re good at- helps feed their souls. For them to have something they can do with their hands and create truly nourishes their minds and hearts. For them to see you express yourself creatively encourages them to do the same, which is great for emotional release. Also, they will feel a sense of belonging and pride at perhaps having a family tradition in an art or a hobby. My mother is very talented. She plays multiple instruments, sings like a bird, draws and paints. However, while I grew up around her doing these things, and while she did try a few times to teach me the guitar and she put me in the church choir, she mostly kept her talents to herself (I can guess it was out of insecurity or her depression). I wish she had encouraged me to follow in one of her talent-footsteps and developed that connection with me. Have an open heart and spend time doing your talent with your teen! Your teen becoming good at something over time really helps them build a strong sense of identity and confidence! Not to mention the good attention they get from you, which fills them up.
Pin It!
Having Open Conversations With Your Teen
Conversing with your teen may feel like a game of Twister, like you’re bending over backwards to make it happen. The temptation to just stop trying is strong when teenagers just give grunts or one-word answers to every bid for conversation from you. When I was a teen, my father used to attempt conversation on the car rides to school. He didn’t succeed. I was a wall of silence and refused to open up. Instead, we drove the 20 minutes in tense, awkward silence. To this day when I recall it, a wave of discomfort rolls over me! Poor Dad, lol.
The thing was, I longed to talk to my father. I wished I’d had the type of closeness and fluid conversation I’d observed in my friends’ relationships with their dads. Teens want to feel close with you and like they can express themselves freely around you. They emotionally crave your praise and respect, your caring about their problems and ideas.
When my oldest son became a teenager the talking seemed to dry up between us. I made a commitment to not create that stiff, oppressive silence I felt with my father. Through lots of reading and talking to other moms, I applied several rules of thumb for interacting with my child (see below). It took faking it till I made it. Getting out of my comfort zone of shutting down with my son was hard! But I did it and now have a very natural flow of conversing with my teen son. He’s not always forthcoming with things going on in his life but if I ask, he comes out with it. Plus, we have great debates and idea-sharing in car rides and over dinners.
Tips for Connecting with Your Teen
By applying these tips for connection, my son and I have had in-depth discussions about anything from drug use to sexual responsibility. He’s confided in me about what he and his peers were getting up to (think taking psychedelics and having sex!). This gave me an upper hand on helping him navigate these situations and has helped me feel more prepared as a parent because I have a continuity with his inner life -what his history is. This awareness helps me look out for odd behaviors and to know what to ask about beyond the general, “How’s things going?” Most importantly, I feel empowered to help him with ways to say no and consider consequences of his behavior.
There was one such instance, where had we not developed a strong line of communication, I’d never have learned how much he was suffering. It was over a minor sexual experience (feelings of rejection, not knowing where to take the relationship with the girl after they messed around a bit). Who knows how long that experience would’ve eaten him up inside had he not been able to confide in myself and his step father. It was literally like a weight lifted off of him! We could see this existential sigh of relief once he was able to tell us the truth. We gave him solid, actionable things he could say and do to make the situation better with the girl. They, the girl and him, are extremely close friends now despite the romantic feelings changing. Here’s some tips I learned that helped me open up dialogue with him.
The Tips for Connecting With Teens Via Conversation:
- Set aside dedicated time to talk. Make sure to carve out dedicated time to talk with your teenager. Avoid trying to have conversations while multitasking or when you are both rushed or distracted. However, I often find with my son that not staring face-to-face helps him open up more. Long car rides are great or taking walks. Something about the intimacy of long, direct eye-contact can overwhelm your teen. A word of caution: kids hate “talks.” Try to weave things into regular conversational flow as much as you can. Keep it natural! But it is ok to say, “Hey, I’d love to pick your brain about something,” or, “I have something I’d like to share with you.”
- Listen actively. Pay attention to what your teenager is saying. Show that you are listening by making occasional eye contact and asking questions or making comments that demonstrate your understanding. Affirm their perspectives and feelings. This will help you connect with you teen.
- Be respectful and nonjudgmental. Avoid criticizing or lecturing your teenager, and instead try to have a respectful and open-minded conversation. Appreciate that your kid is learning for the first time the world around them. Be curious about their minds. Take a moment in yourself to really love that your kid is growing and trying.
- Be patient and understanding. Remember that your teenager is still learning and developing! They may not always have the same perspective or life experiences as you. Be patient and try to understand where they are coming from.
Sometimes it’s hard for us parents to not take our kids personally. We can get caught up in projecting our own fears or even childhood baggage onto them. Try to stay present and in check of your own triggers and reactivity.
How Connecting with Your Teens is Self Care
Parenting is the longest and most important responsibility of our lives. Despite that we can often feel like it’s robbed us of some parts of ourselves, or that it’s completely overwhelming at times, it produces the deepest sense of life meaning. Being responsible for the well-being of another human is the greatest of duties. Therefore, when we can parent with full interest, we are not only doing right by our kids but by ourselves. Being an intentional, responsible, and heart-opened parent equals caring for ourselves. It helps us feel proud of who we are. It lets us feel like givers and helps us ward off parental self-doubts and regrets. Connecting with your teen is one of the most important things you can do.
Imagine for a moment if you went through life not giving any thought to how you parent your kids. Maybe you’d be lucky and turn your kids out well. But more likely, your kids will grow up with some sort of emotional luggage. They may have unmet needs and lack life skills as they enter adulthood. I’m not saying that you are the final frontier for their life’s path. But I am saying that the consistency, warm attentiveness, and thought that you give them affects them. To take this huge responsibility seriously is to honor yourself. It sets you up for not having major regrets or shame as a parent. We have a need to know we are good enough parents. Well, if you’re intentional and trying your best, you are and that is self care! Do right by your kid now and reap the rewards later!