Regrets are meaningful painful pinpoints of our experiences where we coulda, woulda, shoulda done something differently or better. Having regret is like wearing a heavy charm necklace that symbolizes the deep feelings and memories that represent who we think we are. But it’s also incredibly uncomfortable and if worn too much is a burden to carry.
Like it or not, regrets are one of our best teachers in life. They’re like that old school nun (anyone else raised in an all-girl Catholic high school?? LOL) slapping a ruler on your mental desk to remind you to pay attention- there’s something important to study. It’s not pleasant to experience but sure can wake you up to deep self-knowledge if you listen closely to the emotional needs regrets play on.
So, let’s dive into the most common forms of regret, how to learn to live with them, and how to cull purposeful life direction from them so we stop living in the past, heal, and create a better future.
Typical Regrets in Life
The Merriam-Webster Dictionary has two definitions of regret that are telling of why it gets it’s claws into us so badly. One, is regret as a transitive verb where it means, “To mourn the death of or to miss very much.” The other is as a noun: “Sorrow aroused by circumstances beyond one’s control or power to repair.” The key words in these two meanings are “miss” and “repair.”
Why do we “miss” events of the past? Regretful missing is different than just being nostalgic for special memories. It’s as though you’re looking at a poignant memory and putting onto it a potential that could’ve been reached but wasn’t. It’s the hindsight is 20/20 concept. We look back with the knowledge we have today at a point in time where we, for whatever reason, failed to take the choice in the situation that we in present time wish we would’ve. But it’s obviously impossible to change the past. Only our perception of it.
The sorrow we experience from this is because we can’t go back, we can’t fix what’s happened. We can’t change a damn thing and are stuck on an image of how we wish it would’ve went verses the truth of the matter. The regret starts to become an identity issue: “What does it mean about me that I failed to do or not do that thing?” and this can effect our self-esteem and confidence.
Yet, we do have power over what has happened: the power to reframe our thinking about it, the story of it that we tell ourselves. More on that in the section on how to get over regrets. Let’s look at several common types of regrets.
4 Main Types of Regret:
Daniel Pink, author of, “The Power of Regret,” studied thousands of people’s regrets from all over the world. Interestingly, he found that the things people didn’t do far outnumber the regretful things they did. I think this is because our mind has no real-life action to anchor our imagination on with the things we didn’t do. For instance, if we regret a certain romantic relationship, we can very easily point to actual events that stack up to reasons why it failed.
But if we regret not dating someone, our mind is left to fly over all kinds of experience landscapes that could’ve been. Thus, we can easily get into a state of daydreaming of the most idealized version of our imagined lost opportunity. This is painful because the possibilities become endless and you’ll never know what could’ve been. But with real experiences we regret, we are grounded: we know exactly why we regret them.
Anyway, Pink categorizes regret in 4 ways: foundational, moral, connection, and boldness.
Pink’s Categories of Regret
- Foundational Regrets: Those actions in life that would’ve gotten you to a better place by now. Career choices, saving money, going to college, minding your health.
- Moral Regrets: Regrets about your character, doing the wrong thing. Being mean to people, not being generous of your time to your kids, being an absentee partner or parent. Regrets about how we treat others.
- Connection Regrets: These are, Pink says, the largest category of regrets as they relate to our relationships. These regrets are the “if only’s” of relationships: if only you would’ve kept up that friendship/parental connection/romantic opportunity. They are regrets about not working to keep relationships alive, even if it’s been a long time. It’s the avoidance of being the person to reach out and vulnerably take the relationship on again.
- Boldness Regrets: These regrets have to do with not taking risks in life that you look back and think the risk would’ve been worth it. You chose to play it safe verses following you heart.
Pink’s categories gives us a good place to start when processing our regrets. In fact, it would be good of us to journal about regrets so as to learn where our desires truly lay. Regrets can hold us back from living. But if we process them, we understand what it is we are called to be/do/feel.
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How To Get Over Regret
Regrets have the power to make us depressed if we let them. The feeling of personal failure we can have when faced with regrets can be overwhelming, especially if our mind is prone to rumination to begin with. So remember these ways to take care of yourself when faced with regrets and use them to start living beyond regret.
- Work on acceptance and self-forgiveness: Understand that everyone makes mistakes and experiences regrets. We may feel alone but we’re not! Accept that the past cannot be changed and forgive yourself for any past decisions or actions that led to regret. Remember, you are human and learning from your mistakes is part of personal growth.
- Identify the lesson in the regret: Instead of dwelling on the regret, focus on what you can learn from the experience. Reflect on the lessons you’ve gained and how they can help you make better choices in the future. By shifting your perspective, you can transform regrets into valuable life lessons.
- Make amends if possible: If your regret involves hurting someone or damaging a relationship, consider making amends. Reach out to the person involved, apologize sincerely, and express your willingness to make things right. While it may not always be possible to repair the damage, taking steps towards reconciliation can help bring closure and peace of mind. Just be sure reaching out to them wouldn’t case further damage. Sometimes you just have to be ok with no closure.
- Work towards reframing your mindset: Change your perspective by reframing your regrets. Instead of seeing them as failures, view them as opportunities for growth and self-improvement. Focus on the positive aspects of your life and the lessons you’ve learned along the way.
- Set new goals: Look ahead and set new goals for yourself. By focusing on the present and the future, you can shift your energy towards creating a better life for yourself. Setting achievable goals and taking steps towards them can provide a sense of purpose and fulfillment, helping to diminish the weight of past regrets. This will help you feel hopeful and a renewed sense of meaning.
- Seek support: Don’t hesitate to seek support from friends, family, or a therapist. Talking about your regrets and emotions can help you gain perspective and process your feelings. A supportive network can provide guidance, encouragement, and help you navigate through the healing process.
- Practice self-care: Take care of your physical, emotional, and mental well-being. Engage in activities that bring you joy and help you relax. Exercise regularly, eat nutritious meals, get enough sleep, and engage in hobbies or activities that boost your mood. Prioritizing self-care can improve your overall outlook on life and help you move forward from regrets.
Remember, overcoming life regrets takes time and patience. Be kind to yourself during this process, and gradually, you’ll be able to let go and embrace a more positive and fulfilling future.
Regrets Don’t Have to Define Your Past
Let me remind you that your regrets do not define you or your past. Yes, we’ve all made mistakes and experienced moments that we wish we could undo. But here’s the beautiful truth: those regrets are not the sum total of who you are. You are a resilient soul, capable of growth and transformation. Your past does not have to dictate your future. Embrace the lessons learned from those regrets, for they have shaped you into the person you are today.
So, allow yourself the grace to forgive and release the weight of what could have been. Redirect your energy towards creating a future filled with purpose and joy. You are not defined by your regrets, but by the strength and courage it takes to rise above them. Your story is still being written and it’s up to you to fill its pages with resilience, redemption, and a whole lot of grace.