Relationship red flags are things your significant other, friend, or companion does that signals there’s a destructive element in the relationship. They are odd and off-color comments, intrusive or manipulative behaviors, and lifestyle choices that spell trouble. Or, they can simple be benign signs that you are not compatible with the person.
Knowing how to spot red flags and to know whether they are warnings to leave the relationship can literally save your life or just help you avoid unnecessary (and probably inevitable) heartache and misery.
Let’s take a deep dive into what makes a red flag, how to spot them, and better yet, how to know when to leave the relationship.
Common relationship red flags
There are lots of things people say and do that can indicate potential problems for a relationship. Sometimes these are just quirks and everyday personality traits. We all have them. Those you just have to negotiate, navigate, and live with or accept. But, there other behaviors that are big red flags that indicate something is “off” in the person. These you’d be wise to not ignore.
Additionally, paying attention to red flags and your intuition will help you decide whether it’s worth leaving the person. Here’s some common red flags to consider when assessing the compatibility of a partner.
Personality and character ones
Personality and character red flags really show you who the person is. There’s that saying, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them!” Look for these bad character signs that there may be trouble brewing for your relationship:
- Constant criticism and belittling: Always finding fault with you or their lives and your life together.
- Lack of trust or persistent suspicion: They question you often and don’t believe what you say.
- Rushing into the relationship and love bombing: They’re eager within days to be in a relationship and gush over how wonderful you are and how in love they are already. No one can love you that fast! Sorry!
- Significantly low self esteem: They can’t feel good without you; they rely too much on you to emotionally pick them up and blame or cry to you if you don’t.
- They’re rude to people in general: They’re mean to neighbors, waiters, and regular people out and about when others do something that annoys them.
- Everyone else was the problem: bitching about ex’s and making others the reasons why they’ve failed or had troubles in the past. They take no personal responsibility for their lives.
- Codependency and clinginess: They can’t go out without you; they can’t solve any of their own problems, or they are enmeshed in your life. They can’t create one of their own. They’re needy for your constant validation.
- Anger issues: Unhealthy anger displays; disproportionate outbursts for the situation. Throwing stuff, hitting things (or you!), or breaking things, when upset. Yelling loudly and often. You have to walk on eggshells.
- Frequent lying or dishonesty: You catch them in “white lies” often or big ones that they deny.
- Lack of empathy and inability to see things from your perspective: They don’t acknowledge your feelings or thoughts. They brush off your perspectives or don’t offer emotional support when you need it.
- Unwillingness to communicate or resolve conflicts: They avoid issues; push things to the side and let conflicts simmer and fade away without resolution.
- Patterns of infidelity or cheating: Sneaking around, talking to other people online, are on dating apps, or having outright affairs. They downplay them or keep promising it won’t happen again.
- Excessive need for validation and attention from others: They have a fragile ego; are constantly trying to outshine people or they feel threatened by others success or attention-getting.
- Disinterest in your goals and aspirations: They ignore your dreams and aims in life. They aren’t encouraging or they’re actively discouraging of your pursuits. They shit on your dreams.
- Difficulty expressing emotions or unwillingness to discuss feelings: They can’t open up and be honest about how they think or feel.
Social red flags
Social red flags are warnings in how a person interacts with others that are unhealthy and problematic. Look for these. If your significant other or date has them, it may be time to consider whether they have larger psychological issues.
- You’re not proud to bring them around friends or your friends/family don’t like them: You feel uneasy about your close ones meeting him. Your peers don’t like him or her. You feel ashamed of him. This could be an intuitive sign something’s wrong and you could be with the wrong person.
- Lack of respect for others opinions and decisions: They disregard others views, are condescending or a know-it-all, and talk down to others.
- Dismissive or disrespectful behavior towards your friends and family: Outright rudeness to your loved ones. Lack of consideration for people and try to get you to see the negative in others.
- Isolation from social activities and a lack of support for personal growth: they don’t have friends or other support: You’re their only friend. They rely on you for all their emotional support. They don’t have interests or a life of their own. They are codependent with you and need you too much.
- All their friends are jerks: They surround themselves with rude and unlikeable people. You don’t feel welcome or liked by their friends. You feel down after hanging our with their peers.
Lifestyle red flags
Lifestyle red flags are how a person lives their everyday life in a weird way. They are their eating habits, cleanliness, where they live, and their work ethic, etc. Here’s some red flag indicators that you don’t want to ignore:
- Financial irresponsibility or secrecy: They can never seem to get on their feet. They mooch off of others, are always broke or are in a lot of debt, gamble, or hide money issues. They ask you for financial help.
- Incompatibility in values and future plans or in a different stage of life: You guys want different things in life such as kids/no kids or traveling/homebody. You’re spiritual and they distain religion.
- Drug or alcohol abuse or other habits such as eating disorders that negatively affects the relationship: They suffer addictions and compulsive behaviors. They need these crutches to feel OK and haven’t sought help.
- They’re super slobby, fail to take care of their house and possessions: They’re a grown up who lives like a middle school slob. Their living situation is filthy; they don’t value cleanliness or upkeep of their things. This could indicate mental health issues or incompatibility issues (unless you like being their maid, I suggest you find another mate. If they’re an adult and still this messy, it isn’t likely to change!).
So if any of these ring a bell, it may be time to evaluate what you’re doing in the relationship and if it’s what you really want (or how to address things and better it).
Red flags that signal it’s time to leave NOW
Occasionally, red flags indicate a more serious behavior problem in your mate- like that they are potentially dangerous. Recently, I unfortunately witnessed a good example of this. Someone close to me was attacked by her seemingly normal boyfriend of 2 years when she tried to leave him. He held a knife to her throat, put her in a choke hold, and caused her to drop their 1 year old child. Luckily, she had called me before this happened. I heard what was going on and was able to get the police there. He spend 6 months in jail (that was it!) and she now has a restraining order on him. Looking back, red flags were everywhere. Not just red ones, but red with neon lights blinking “Hey! Something’s wrong!”
For example, whenever they were apart, such as her going to the zoo with friends, she “had” to FaceTime him and hold her phone up so he could see that indeed she was where she said she’d be. It’d turn into a major trust issue every time. Another one was him blocking the door any time they had an argument for fear she would try to leave. The following red flags indicate that you probably should talk to a professional and get some real help for your situation.
- Excessive jealousy and possessiveness: An irrational level of jealousy at your other relationships. Having other friendships is always a huge fight starter or they make you go above and beyond to prove you’re faithfulness.
- Controlling behavior and isolation from friends and family: Monitoring your interactions, refusing to let you visit family or friends without them, taking bad about your other relationships, guilting you for wanting to spend time with them.
- Verbal or physical abuse: Blocking your coming or going, grabbing you when arguing, name-calling, physically hurting you, preventing you from self-care such as doctors appointments or from your medicine.
- Disregard for boundaries and personal space even if they claim it’s “innocent” like tickling: Barging in on your privacy like in the bathroom, monitoring your social media and phone interactions, reading your journal, listening to your calls, tracking your phone or car, being “handsy” despite when you say to stop, like tickling or groping.
- Manipulative or emotionally manipulative tactics: Gaslighting and guilt tripping behavior. Making you think you’re the problem and they do nothing wrong. Downplaying their aggression, claiming you “overreact” all the time. Also, making everything about them such as saying things like, “I can’t believe you would go out with your friends tonight when I’m feeling so lonely. I guess you don’t care about me at all.”
So, if you see patterns of the above behaviors, get some insight from a professional to help you leave. Or, just leave if it’s safe for you to do so. If dire, get help from local agencies that assist people with leaving abusive partners. Call on your support system and get the hell out of the relationship. You deserve better and are not responsible for their bullshit!
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When should you stay?
Sometimes what seems like a big red flag is actually just a yellow one. It indicates that there’s potential for an issue to be resolved. For example, if your partner or friend acts jealous every time you see another friend but doesn’t try to prevent you from doing so, that’s a yellow flag. Their negativity instead of support whistles that they need to change their stance but it’s not necessarily preventing you from living your life. Thus, yellow flags like this can be opportunities to work on bettering the relationship, which can strengthen it if both parties are willing to do the work.
However, if there’s a lot of yellow flags consistently, they all may add up to one big red flag. Who wants to be in partnership with someone constantly throwing yellow flag negativity? While each issue may not be big enough reason to leave on its own, the pile up of them may be. Use your best judgement.
How to address red flags in relationships
Depending on the extremity of the red flags, you’ll need to be thoughtful as to how to address them. Certainly, addressing a normal variance of jealousy is different than confronting someone who tries to monitor your phone, movements, and social life. In the latter, you could be dealing with someone potentially dangerous and need to be careful of how you maneuver removal from their grip.
Here are some actionable points to ponder when you decide the relationship red flags need calling out:
1) Identify the red flags and trust your instincts
First, recognize the behaviors or situations that raise concerns or make you feel uncomfortable. Identify why they unnerve you and what it is you want to change. Seek to understand your boundaries that are being crossed so that you can communicate them later. Trust your intuition about a person’s behavior. If something feels “off”, it probably is. Try to figure out what is bothering you about them.
2) Remain calm and speak and listen with empathy
Second, choose an appropriate time and place to talk about your concerns with your partner. Be clear, calm, and specific about the behaviors or situations that bother you. Try not to be reactive or raise your voice as this can escalate the situation. Use “I” statements to express how you feel rather than blaming or accusing your partner. For example, say, “I feel upset when you raise your voice during arguments” instead of “You always yell at me.”
Give your partner an opportunity to respond and share their perspective. It’s crucial to have an open and honest conversation, allowing both parties to express their thoughts and feelings. Be attentive and actively listen to what they have to say.
**A good tip is to visualize yourself having the conversation with the person before you do. Imagine yourself being confident and empathetic but not taking on their bullshit. See yourself keeping calm, breathing deeply, and having the conversation go in your favor.
3) Clarify your boundaries and be honest about your needs
Next, clearly define your personal boundaries and communicate them to your partner. Boundaries are essential for establishing what is and isn’t acceptable behavior in the relationship. For instance, if your partner asks to look at your text messages every night or wants to see your social media interactions, tell them you need them to show some trust in you and to respect your privacy. People can’t read your mind. Stating your boundaries can help a floundering relationship float.
If your partner continues to violate your boundaries, it may be a sign that the red flags are serious and may require further action.
4) Assess their response and address if need be
Pay attention to how your partner responds to your concerns. Are they dismissive, defensive, or willing to take responsibility for their actions? Genuine remorse and a willingness to work on the issues are positive signs.
However, if they are unwilling to acknowledge the red flags or show no effort to change, it may be an indication that the relationship is not healthy for you.
5) Call on your support system
Talk to a trusted friend, family member, or therapist about the red flags you are experiencing. They can provide an outside perspective and offer guidance on how to navigate the situation. Sometimes an outside perspective can help you see that you’re not crazy, that the red flags indeed are there. Also, venting releases the stress of it and you can talk towards solutions.
6) Seek professional help or end the relationship
If the red flags persist despite open communication and efforts to address them, it might be necessary to consider couples therapy or ending the relationship. Therapy can help you work through the relationship issues and give you ways to better your interactions.
But, your emotional and physical well-being should be a priority. Staying in an unhealthy relationship can be detrimental to your overall happiness. Thus, self-care is so important.
7) Incorporate self-care routines into your life
Finally, dealing with relationship red flags can be mentally and emotionally exhausting. It’s important to take care of your well-being. Getting enough exercise, rest, and nutrition are key. Also, take time to stop and smell the roses, and do some nurturing inner work like journaling, art, or praying.
Remember, good self–care routines allow you to connect with your true self. It helps you filter all the stuff that’s hanging over you. Self-care helps you suss out the red flags from the yellow. It gives space for you to assess what actions you need to take to either improve your relationship or jump ship.
Final Thoughts
In conclusion, paying attention to red flags in a relationship is not merely an act of skepticism or mistrust. It is a crucial step towards preserving our well-being and emotional health. By being attuned to the warning signs early on, we empower ourselves. It helps us make informed decisions and protect our hearts from potential harm.
Additionally, it is a testament to our self-worth and a declaration that we deserve a relationship built on respect, trust, and genuine love to acknowledge red flags in a relationship. So, remain vigilant, trust your instincts, and have the courage to walk away from toxic dynamics. It is through these choices that we pave the way towards happier and healthier connections in the future.