Is your Love Bubble in trouble? Maybe you’re in the thick of a relationship downturn or don’t have any umph in your romantic partnership. Don’t worry. If you want relationship success, there’s a researched approach to getting your situation from knocking heads to knocking the boots.
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There’s a new book out by the one and only Gottman couple. It promises to restore your relationship to it’s proper health in 7 days. That would sound absurd if it wasn’t coming from The Gottman’s. The book is “The Love Prescription: 7 Days to More Intimacy, Connection, and Joy.”
The Gottman’s
If you don’t know The Gottman’s you’ll be glad to meet them for the first time. They are the relationship gurus in America. An elderly couple now, married 35 years, they’ve been scientifically studying relationships for decades. If you’ve ever heard the phrase The Four Horsemen of Relationships, they came up with it. (Basically that is the 4 telltale signs your relationship is doomed). Their expertise is based on solid research and years of observation of couples.
It is said about them that within 2 minutes of meeting a couple they can predict if they’ll stay together or not. Watch out for dinner parties with the Gottman’s! Check them out to learn just how amazing they are (And they are incredibly happy in their own marriage, of course!).
The Deets for Relationship Success
It’s the little things in life, isn’t it? When in the thick of conflict, it feels like the end of the world, like a huge boulder sitting on top of us. We forget that small gestures and simple phrases can move the most negative of energies around us. That, summed up, is what I think this book’s underlying message is. If we’re willing to get out of our battle zones and turn towards our partner with care, then you absolutely can restore the romantic bond between you. That is this book’s promise. For a complete introduction to this book, listen to this episode on Brene Brown’s podcast Unlocking Us with The Gottman’s.
Step 1: Make Contact
Sometimes my partner and I get into a mode of avoidance with each other. If there’s a minor conflict, such as a disagreement about how a situation with our kid was handled, instead of talking it over, we are more apt to avoid each other for a day or more. We brush it under the rug. While this temporarily gives us a break from facing an argument, it distances us.
We’ve actually been to a Gottman trained marriage counselor. In it, we learned this concept of making contact or turning towards each other. What it boils down to is putting aside the fight for now and simply giving your partner your full attention. When they say, “We need to get groceries,” instead of shrugging or just saying “OK,” meet their eyes and say something like, “Would you like me to go or perhaps we can go together and get a coffee on the way.”
If they comment on the weather, don’t ignore it. Agree with them or make an observation back. Sounds mundane but it shows you’re listening and paying attention to them.
Stop ignoring the little things they say and do. Instead, engage with their comments (in a kind way!) and really see and hear them. Making contact is all about restoring the fact that you love this person and value them enough to show you care through paying attention to them.
Step 2 for Relationship Success: Ask a Big Question
Curiosity may kill the cat but it revives relationships! When’s the last time you dug deep into your partner’s mind and heart? It’s so easy to take them for granted and think we know them like the back of our hand. Same goes for our relationship with ourselves; we dull our senses to our experiences so easily. We are rich creatures and like children, when given the right trust and environment, can open up and reveal a fascinating inner world.
Go on a date, or hell, when you’re washing dishes together, and ask something big to your partner. It could be, “Where do you see your life going in 5 years?” Or, “Where’s one place in the world you’ve always dreamed of seeing?” Try to get back to that place you guys lived in when you first started dating: of seeing each other as new and exciting, not knowing exactly who they are.
I am guilty of seeing my partner through dull lenses. The monotony of daily life can make me feel bored and jaded about the future. But I’ve done this step and I can testify, that though it may weird your partner out at first (Why the big questions out of left field?), it stimulates each others self-curiosity and helps both people to remember that we are not each other’s keepers but each others partners, full of our individual hopes and dreams.
Step 3: Say Thank You
This one is obvious: say thank you regularly and mean it. Make it heart felt. When they take out the trash or do the dishes, say thank you with a smile full of appreciation. Sure, it may be their obligation to do those chores and yes, you’ve done way more than they have, but still, say thank you and appreciate it.
People want to feel valued and appreciated and that they are not simply extensions of your list of demands or to-dos. Take a moment to practice gratitude and show it. You’ll be amazed at how this act of kindness towards your other can bring you closer and lighten the tension between you. It’s an act of loving kindness to show appreciation. And it makes our hearts humble, which is always a good thing.
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Step 4: Give a Real Compliment
Another self-explanatory step: Give a real compliment. Not simply answering “Yes,” if they ask if they look alright in an outfit. But giving a compliment unasked for. Observe your partner throughout the day and make a mental note of all they things they say and do that you admire.
Maybe they keep their patience well with your toddler. Or maybe they make an effort to keep up with their siblings and friends, prioritizing important relationships. Try to give a compliment that really speaks to who they are, what they value. That will really touch their heart. Words of affirmation are super powerful and if given sincerely, can turn ones head your way in a delightful manner. This, when practiced regularly and with heart, will put you on the path to relationship success.
Step 5: Ask for What You Need
Ah, the old ask-for-what-you-need truth. Yes, this one is perhaps the hardest of the Gottman steps. I grew up in a household where people didn’t do that. Instead, we used passive-aggressive ways to show we needed something. Mad that someone didn’t do their dishes? Do them and bang the dishes loudly and with irritated sighs as you load the dishwasher. Not a productive way to express your feelings and needs!
In our Gottman therapy, to ask for what we needed was huge. We often mistakenly assume our partners know us so well that they should predict our needs or read our minds. Not true! 8 times out of 10 the other is clueless. To ask for what you need, it needs to be expressed with care and not in an accusatory way. The Gottman’s book has great advice for just how to successfully do this and I highly recommend it.
Step 6: Reach Out and Touch
If you’ve read the book, The Five Love Languages (another genius relationship book!) you know touch is one of the key ways people feel validated and connected. We are creatures of touch. Babies die without it. We relax in massages with it. It soothes, calms, and comforts. Not to mention arouses.
Sometimes when I’m in the kitchen cutting veggies, my partner will come up behind me and simply put his hands on my hips and peer over to see what I’m doing. He’ll kiss my neck or give me a light shoulder rub. Sometimes he’ll do this after we’ve fought and it’ll just melt me. It blows away the wall I built and makes me want to mend things.
On a daily basis, make a point to touch your partner. Hold their hand, hug them, put your hand of their leg while watching TV. Be close!
Step 7: Declare a Date Night
Our therapist told us as a directive, not a suggestion, to make a standing date night and commit to it like your lives depended on it. Novelty enlivens relationships, the monotony of parenting and housekeeping dulls it. If all your priority is going to the kids and house and work, your relationship will suffer. Who wants to be in a boring relationship? Not you or your partner!
Planning dates is a fun way to reconnect and build back in some newness to the relationship. You can put ideas into a jar and pick one each week to do. You can take turns planning the dates and agree to go along with whatever the other plans. Have childlike wonder and be playful!
Showing your partner that you want to prioritize time with them in this way will help you both see each other as friends and fun companions. Not to mention someone to be romantic with. You’ll start to remember why you fell in love with each other!
Head Into Life With a Solid Relationship
Go now and buy the Gottman’s book! Practice their steps and witness the turnaround it’ll create in your relationship. One note however: Don’t go into this expecting your partner to automatically be on board with things. They may feel skeptical or weirded out with all the newfound attention being given. In fact, it’s a good idea to tell them about the book, perhaps read it together.
Explain to your partner how you want to renew or restore the love between you; how you value them and want to prioritize the relationship again. The Love Prescription has all the details on how you can implement the steps. Buy it now and know that you can restore love again. Have fun, be brave in your vulnerability, and good luck!
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