Learning how to find your why is crucial for attaining a life dream. It grounds us with the knowledge that what we pursue matters; that our goals are life-giving and pertinent to our sense of meaning.
Let’s face it: despite how together you are or how blessed you have it, there’s a little voice inside whispering about that thing you always wished you’d have done but haven’t.
Excuses line up quicker than kids at the ice cream truck:
“I would pursue it but I don’t have the time.’
“It’s too late. I should’ve started that years ago. It’ll never happen now.”
“I’m not good enough. There are so many others doing it, so why try?”
We dismiss our dreams as unachievable fantasies and say we need to “keep it real” and not go messing up what we already have.
“Be grateful” becomes the mask we pull on to keep trucking and making it ok to not go after our dreams. Do you ever feel like that?
But the truth is, we don’t trust the calling. This is because we aren’t sure why the hell we’re compelled towards it in the first place.
We’re not clear on our why.
This vagueness of emotion about a dream 9 times out of 10 will squash the drive to manifest it. It floats out of sight like the daydream we leave it as.
We settle for that job, relationship, or college degree. Afterall, we’ve been doing it for so long. Fear stops us from obeying our spiritual gifts or inner calling.
Well, this post is here to guide you toward specific steps that will help you identify your why and get you closer to living your ideal life. We’ll unmask the emotion and purpose behind goals that is the key to productively planning and living your best life.
So let’s get started!
What Does ‘How To Find Your Why’ Really Mean?
Your why is what gets you up again and again after beatdowns, failures, and setbacks.
It’s not taking no for an answer even as life throws all its punches.
When you want to quit, your “why” whispers, “Remember how you want to work from home so that you can take care of your kids when they’re sick?” And you get back to the drawing board.
Or, when all you want is to eat 5 cookies washed down with a bowl of ice cream, but you think, “Remember how your mother buried her emotions with food and it held her back from being truly content?”
These are examples of what knowing your why can do for you. What’s behind them? Emotion driven purpose.
Finding your why is about discovering the reasons behind wanting what you want in life. It’s connecting to the emotions behind those reasons and understanding the needs they have.
This identified emotion creates a purpose so connected to your innermost truth that not working on your dreams will cause you to suffer, as it will betray that inner value.
Let’s go deeper on these ideas.
“He who has a why can endure any how.”
Frederick nietzsche
Purpose Matters
Purpose means that your life is heading in a clear direction. Studies have shown that when you live with greater purpose, you’re healthier and less lonesome.
The Greater Good Science Center says, “purpose is an abiding intention to achieve a long-term goal that is both personally meaningful and makes a positive mark on the world.” It transforms over time and creating it is a journey, not a race.
Think about it: when you have an ideal that you chase, you have a reason to get up in the morning. It can be seemingly small, such as quitting gluten because your mom has celiac disease and you want to support her.
This goal represents your identity- who you believe you are deep inside. In the gluten example, you’re a loving daughter who wants the best for her family.
Thus, the goal symbolizes the values your soul holds. And expressing them in the world gives you the richest satisfaction because then your inner and outer worlds unite. You become whole and form a meaningful self-identity.
A Personal Note
This hits home hard for me. You see, when I was in my early 20s, no one explained to me the utter importance of setting goals for identifying my values, much less how to achieve them. I was thrown into adulthood with the unspoken message: “You’re an adult, figure it out!”
In a vague search for meaning in life, I traveled the country and wound up living at a spiritual resort in California. But because I wasn’t intentional about my life, the experience led me to being deeply unhappy.
Coddiwomple: to travel in a purposeful manner towards a vague destination.
WEbster dictionary
I was controlled by unfocused, free-range emotions with no self-directed, constructive, or creative outlet. Some people took advantage of my naivety and I did things I don’t think I would’ve had I a vision for my life of who I was trying to become.
In other words, I had no goals to ground myself in forming an identity. And this was destructive.
Why? Because I was a passive participant taking what came versus making what could be. I was not in the driver’s seat where true self-growth happens.
Thus, I drifted through the next 6 years suffering the sorrow of an unfulfilled creative drive. Hopelessness took over and I felt like a nobody. I compensated by using yoga and meditation to spiritually bypass my lack of self-worth.
“If you aim at nothing you’ll hit it every time”
Dave Ramsey
Dreams Mean More Than We Think
I share this to say that our life dreams are a significant part of us. Indeed, they can’t just be gotten rid of or dismissed as personal fantasies that don’t mean anything. You have to go after them.
They are our spirits crying for attention and to be given life through expression.
In fact, real confidence and self-esteem is linked to our being able to set goals to attain them. When we achieve small goals on a consistent basis, we get fulfilled again and again, gaining competence and self-actualization.
We learn to trust ourselves and know that we are capable.
There’s a concept in mythology called daemon. It means one’s inner muse or inspiration. And like one philosopher put it, ‘If we don’t express our daemon, it turns into a demon.’
Meaning, as our inner dreams and hopes die from lack of use, parts of us do as well, leaving us prone to depression and existential anxiety.
Phew. That’s deep. And that was long-winded! Thanks for bearing with me!
The other key component to your why besides purpose are your emotions. Let’s explore.
The Importance of Emotion in How To Find Your Why
At the heart of it, our emotions are the driving force of our humanity. They significantly influence whether our lives are filled with purpose or void of it.
Emotions can dominate our actions and focus, potentially derailing us from our aspirations. Without awareness and management, they may lead us to a life of regret.
It’s a common concern—wondering if unmanaged emotions like anger, resentment, or anxiety might be what’s holding us or those we know back from reaching full potential.
The key to overcoming these feelings-barriers lies in recognizing and understanding our most familiar emotions—our ’emotional pajamas’.
These habitual emotions often lead to self-imposed obstacles and get in the way of working towards our dreams.
If we cultivate self-awareness, we can consciously get out of our own way. Begin with practices such as reflection and meditation.
The Power of Reflection and Meditation
Reflection
To increase awareness of your emotions, spend time every day reflecting on your life and meditating. Take stock of where you’ve come from, what struggles and achievements you’ve already had. Ask yourself key questions and seek the answers such as:
- What are my primary emotions and how can I adjust them?
- What is making me feel that way?
- Is it a habit or something unresolved that I need to address?
- What calling have I been avoiding and why?
- Where in my life do I have room for my dreams?
- What still haunts me- what experiences am I not “over” and need to process (perhaps seeking professional help)?
This practice of reflecting will help you know yourself and clear the way emotionally so that you can have energy and clarity to do the things you want.
Meditation
Meditation helps calm anxious, rambling thinking. It helps us become aware that we are not our thoughts and that thoughts can be directed (like towards your dream).
Sometimes motivation follows action and feeling follows thoughts.
Find a good app, like The Waking Up app, or free YouTube videos to help you get started. In its most basic form, just sit quietly and focus on your breath. Whenever you find yourself distracted, bring your focus back to your breathing.
That’s all you need to do. Be still and let it be.
From this place, you can go about your days with so much more intention and organization because you’ll have awareness of yourself at a greater depth of perception.
Next, where do we then go to define our why?
Where To Look To Find Your Why:
Now that we’ve fleshed out the connection of emotion and purpose in our why, let’s talk about how we can develop it.
- Your recurring daydreams and wishful thoughts: Become aware of what you regularly think about. These point to what interests you on a deep level. Examine why. What in those daydreams satisfies you and why? What emotional thirst do they quench?
- Your deep-seated values: What character traits do you admire in others and try to live up to? Stephen Warley, podcaster and life skills coach, says your values are “your personal code of conduct. They are your core beliefs that guide your actions, behaviors and your interactions with the world.” Being in touch with these can drive motivation.
- Your passions or hobbies: These show you what leaves you coming back for more. They are the things you don’t tire of, illustrate your natural attractions, and point to what you are good at. What is it about them that lights you up? Hone in on those qualities for your why.
- What your friends repeatedly say about you: Do you have people in your life who regularly tell you “you’re so good at that”? Do they have a point? Think about what they see as your strengths and ask yourself why those gifts keep expressing themselves. Do they make you come alive?
- Finally, where do you feel like a failure in life? What are the regrets you have that don’t seem to heal? These may point to a deeper calling that is unfulfilled. Ask yourself why those regrets meant so much to you; what inspiration was behind them?
By probing more deeply, you can identify your core values behind goals..
Another place I find my why is getting in touch with my inner child.
Living With Childlike Wonder
Rediscovering the ‘why’ that fuels your passion often involves a joyful journey back to your inner child.
Why is it that as we grow older, the pure wonder and engagement of our childhood become elusive? We must remember that our lives are singular and fleeting.
To find our ‘why’ is to accept the daunting yet empowering truth that it is our responsibility to craft the life we dream of.
Reflect on the ease with which you played and the imagined possibilities when you were younger. How you effortlessly embodied different roles and scenarios. This is the essence of practice for life.
As adults, we should strive to recapture this sense of playful exploration when approaching our ambitions. In such a state of play, self-doubt and sabotage are distant echoes, replaced by a timelessness and deep connection with our actions and inner selves.
So, allow yourself to dream with the uninhibited spirit of a child again. Ponder deeply on what your ideal life looks like and why it’s important to you.
What transformative effects would achieving your dream have on your life? Engage with this vision regularly, emotionally embracing the reality of your dream fulfilled. Let the idea evolve and expand in your mind’s playground.
Once you grasp your ‘why,’ cling to it as if it were a life preserver in a vast ocean. It is the very thing that will keep you afloat.
With the emotional groundwork laid and the vision of our dreams vivid in our minds, the next practical step is to articulate and write down those goals.
The Science of Specificity
Writing down your goals with precision is essential for improving your life quality, and the S.M.A.R.T. plan—endorsed by figures like Tony Robbins and integrated into top-performing companies—is a proven strategy for goal-setting.
This method, created by George T. Doran in the 1980s, boosts your chances of success by 42% when you apply its Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic, and Timed criteria to your goals.
Here are four streamlined steps to articulate your goals using the S.M.A.R.T. framework:
1) Identify and Articulate Your Goals: Write down your top goals, such as starting a blog or becoming a healthier person. Be as detailed as you can.
2) Clarify Your Motivations: Choose the goal that resonates most and delve into why it matters to you—consider the benefits, the depth of its impact on your life, and its alignment with your long-term aspirations.
- Ask yourself:
- What would having it give you or improve in your life?
- Is the reason superficial or does it have substance?
- How would having it change your life for the better?
- Is it something you can let go of or will it haunt you for life if you don’t try?
3) Align with Your Values: List your values, such as leadership or creativity, and connect them to your goals to understand the motivations that drive you.
Here are some values to consider:
- Friendship/intimacy
- Financial freedom/financial generosity
- Being a leader
- Spreading compassion and kindness
- Collaboration with like-minded people
- Living an adventurous life
- Producing creative works
4) Visualize Success: Finally, craft a detailed mental image of achieving your goal, involving all senses, to leverage the power of visualization. Picturing success can prime your brain to align your actions with your goals.
- For example, if your dream is to get your doctorate degree, see yourself walking across the stage accepting your diploma. See your hand reaching out and grabbing the diploma. Hear the crowd cheering. Feel the joy in your heart.
- This may sound woo-woo but I firmly believe that the more you can picture having what you want as though it’s real, the more likely you are to have it.
- This is because our unconscious minds don’t really know the difference between reality and not. So if you are able to visualize having what you want as though it is the life you’re living, it sends a message to your brain to act accordingly. The brain will strive to reduce cognitive dissonance (or the mismatch between your reality and inner life) and push you toward what you visualize.
Employing the S.M.A.R.T. plan not only structures your aspirations but also taps into the psychological mechanisms that turn your visions into reality.
“Visualize your dreams. Record them in the present tense. Put them into permanent form. If you persist in your efforts, you will achieve a dream come true.”
Queensryche
Finally, sometimes we need to sit with the consequence of what would happen if we stayed stagnant and never went after any of our dreams.
The Devil’s Advocate in How To Find Your Why
Connecting to your why can mean staring down demons.Sometimes you have to probe the cost of not aiming at goals. The cost of no action can scare you into action.
Consider the sobering impact of unchased dreams: envisioning a future filled with regret, a sense of self-disappointment, and the haunting question of what could have been.
Imagine leading a life devoid of the creativity and passion that give it meaning, settling into an existence marked by ‘what-ifs’ and the resigned acceptance of missed opportunities.
This stark picture is not just speculative; it resonates with the tangible regret often seen in the eyes of those who’ve bypassed joy for duty, or who’ve been shackled by depression, possibly stemming from unexpressed creativity.
Therefore, embracing a constructive fear of a life half-lived can be a powerful motivator. Allowing yourself to be propelled by the terror of becoming a bystander in your own story might just be the catalyst you need to heed your inner calling.
You Can Do It
In essence, the key to realizing our ambitions lies in understanding the ‘why’ behind our goals and translating that into daily habits. The initial burst of motivation may wane, but by integrating small, consistent actions into our routine, we can make progress towards our larger aspirations.
Our natural tendency towards energy conservation can be countered by forming habits that are both rewarding and incrementally challenging, thus sustaining our journey to success.
James Clear’s principle of coupling desired actions with necessary ones is a strategic way to make new habits appealing. By breaking down our grand dreams into manageable tasks and finding joy in the process, we can maintain motivation and work steadily towards our objectives.
Share your experiences and strategies for maintaining focus on your goals, and let’s inspire each other to keep pursuing our ‘why’ with vigor.