Spirituality and relationships go hand in hand. What better way to put our belief systems and values to the test than through relationships? Like a mirror to our authentic selves, they show us the the good, the bad, and the ugly. This can transform us into better people, if we let it.
When we can stay vulnerable and committed in our relationships, we become like two frayed ropes intertwining to form a strong one. We live more deeply and grow together.
Yet, it’s unlikely that we enter our partnerships with a skilled mindset towards spiritual growth or enlightened love. Most of us weren’t raised in an environment where we were intentionally taught the ins and outs of what makes a thriving partnership. It’s not like there was a semester called, “Successful Romantic Partnerships: A How-To,” offered in high school (It should be!).
Indeed, we often learn through trial and error. That’s true for me. The route to a meaningful relationship has been winding. Through couples therapy, many dates, workshops, one failed union, and, finally, a successful other, “I’ve been a miner for a heart of gold,” as Neil Young says😊.
Sometimes I’ve mined in the wrong places and stuck my nose where it didn’t belong. Other times, I wanted so badly for love to fall into my hands where I could hold and shape it. But alas, it slipped away.
Still more, the old fervent youth in me tried to force love when in reality, the love I looked for wasn’t to be found in them, but in me. Ultimately, it was my spirituality that helped me find what I have now with my amazing partner.
In this post, we’ll explore why developing a spiritual outlook is key to manifesting enlightened love. So come on board with me. I hope to inspire you to use the tools to aim for a higher love in yours.
First, let’s define what “spirituality” in relationships means.
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What is Spirituality in a Relationship?
At it’s core, spirituality is about aiming towards higher values. It’s holding ourselves to an idealized image of what it means to be an extraordinary human while striving to be in harmony with the broader world.
When we operate in our relationships in the same visionary manner, we drive the relationship verses being reactionary passengers. It’s a guidepost that pushes us to self-analyze, check egos, see one another with compassion, and remain connected.
Indeed, with spirituality, couples develop a sense of unity, purpose, and transcendence that propels each of them towards personal growth while simultaneously developing the relationship. We rise beyond basic levels of intimacy to one of a higher consciousness rooted in big love for one another. This is spiritual.
For instance, before I met my husband, I dated someone for 5 years. It was a hot and cold, back-and-forth rollercoaster that at the peak was exhilarating, but ultimately made me want off the ride. It made me ashamed of myself for tolerating such fickleness and I lost a bit of my personal values. I became spiritually sick.
He couldn’t grow out of a childish mindset of “what feels good in the present” and I couldn’t grow beyond the victim mentality of “What he’s doing is somehow my fault and I’m unlovable.” Have you ever felt like that?
Thus, our relationship was stuck in the physical attraction towards one another and never deepened in psychological, emotional, or spiritual intimacy.
However, with my current partner, despite a rocky start (hello baggage that needed to be unpacked!), we aimed not just for what feels good in the now but for what we wanted for the future.
We chose to do Gottman couples therapy (more on the Gottman’s later), surrendered our ignorance about what makes love thrive, and worked together on a shared vision of it for our relationship.
Therefore, by aiming for the greater good of the relationship, spirituality, or a sense of purpose and being united in something greater than ourselves, bloomed. We learned how to be able to be vulnerable with one another about our pain, look to the inner roots of our issues with love and sensitivity, and creatively develop our future. Obviously, we have setbacks and still seek guidance but we are solid in our commitment to love.
“To see and be seen: that is the truest nature of love.”
brene brown
Some relationships, like my own, are able to uplift their partnership through studying how good relationships work and seeking therapy. Others look to specific religious or spiritual paths for guidance.
So now that we have a general understanding of what spirituality in relationships looks like, let’s explore the role of religion and spiritual paths in forming our ideas of love.
How Religions or Spiritual Paths Help People Love
Having a religious or spiritual path historically has guided people’s romantic behavior to the spiritual. We look to the morality in stories of religious deities or characters, such as Christ, Radha and Krishna, Buddha, or from mythology, to shape our outlooks on what love is or should be.
For example, in the Bible, 1 Corinthians 13:2-7, it says:
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”
1 Corinthians 13:2-7
And to the ancient Greeks love could be fleshed out into 7 different manifestations in relationships:
Similarly, ancient Hinduism offers types of love as well.
- Kama: Physical attraction, erotic love. Think of the Kama Sutra.
- Shringar: Romance, secret sharing, courtship.
- Maitri: Compassionate love for all. When we’re kind to all, we’re kind to our mates.
- Bhakti: A love cultivated for the divine, for God, which spreads upon your partner. Seeing God in the other; the highest form of truth and generosity.
- Atma Prema: When you love yourself genuinely, not egotistically. Therefore, you can love your partner with a pureness of heart and mind.
But what all paths have in common is they teach that when a strong spirituality, or God-mindedness, exists between two people, the couple can rely on it’s moral teachings and “container” to help them through the inevitable challenges they’ll face.
They trust that their faith will hold them together and lead them – as spirituality helps us not just see the parts but the whole picture. Not just the “I’s” but the “We.”
Spirituality, or the divine in your relationship, is like a third party bearing witness to the union; there to not judge, but to instruct the couple towards maintaining loving connection and wholeness.
This outlook holds people accountable in their behavior towards their mate; it holds them to higher moral values and helps them see the other not just as theirs but as God’s.
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To demonstrate further what spiritual or enlightened relationships looks like, here’s some general distinctions of it from “normal” or “basic” coupling:
Differences Between “Basic” and Spiritual Relationships:
A relationship influenced by a spiritual perspective differs significantly from one that’s more conventional or basic. Here are some of the differences between them.
Depth of Connection:
- Basic Relationship: The connection may be primarily based on surface-level attributes like physical attraction, convenience, or shared activities.
- Spiritual Relationship: The bond goes beyond the physical and emotional, emphasizing a profound soul-to-soul connection. Partners often feel a deeper purpose or destiny in being together.
Approach to Challenges:
- Basic Relationship: Difficulties might be approached reactively, with blame or evasion.
- Spiritual Relationship: Challenges are seen as communication opportunities for growth. There’s an emphasis on mutual understanding, forgiveness, and learning from each experience.
Purpose of the Relationship:
- Basic Relationship: The relationship might be oriented around personal happiness, comfort, and pleasure.
- Spiritual Relationship: The relationship serves a higher purpose. It’s not just about personal happiness, but also about growth, service, or contributing positively to the world.
Self-awareness and Growth:
- Basic Relationship: One might expect the partner to be the primary source of happiness, overlooking personal growth.
- Spiritual Relationship: Each individual recognizes the importance of personal spiritual growth and self-awareness. There’s mutual encouragement to evolve and expand consciousness.
Values and Principles:
- Basic Relationship: The relationship may be guided by societal norms, conventions, or external pressures.
- Spiritual Relationship: Guided by deeply held spiritual values like unconditional love, compassion, authenticity, and gratitude.
Duration and Commitment:
- Basic Relationship: Commitment might be conditional, based on external factors or changing emotions.
- Spiritual Relationship: Commitment is often deeper, recognizing the sacredness of the bond and valuing longevity, enduring challenges with grace and perseverance.
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Communication:
- Basic Relationship: Communication may be superficial or avoidant, especially around challenging topics.
- Spiritual Relationship: Emphasizes open, honest, and heart-centered communication, allowing vulnerability and deep sharing.
Perception of the Other:
- Basic Relationship: One might view the partner mainly for their role in the relationship (e.g., husband, wife, boyfriend).
- Spiritual Relationship: There’s a recognition of the partner as a whole being, with a unique spiritual journey and destiny.
It’s essential to note that no relationship type is inherently superior or inferior. Every relationship is on a continuum and can evolve over time as we do.
In our modern times, while the majority of humans still follow religious instruction on how to manifest love, science has bolstered fundamental truths that make relationships thrive.
So now that we’ve looked at religious outlooks on love and the differences between basic and transcendent love, let’s explore the decades of research and experiments by Drs. John and Julie Gottman. They have fleshed out proven behaviors and attitudes that take ordinary love to enlightened love. Let’s explore that more.
Shared Meaning: a Spiritual Relationship Must-Have
While best known for their “Four Horsemen” theory regarding relationship pitfalls, the Gottman’s also explore the role of spirituality and meaning in relationships, especially in the context of building shared meaning.
Together, they created something called The Sound Relationship House. Each level bears the building blocks that makes a successful and rewarding partnership.
“One of the greatest gifts of a relationship is the ability to see the world through the eyes of another person, intimately, deeply, profoundly, in a way we’re almost never able to do with another human being. Approach your partner with curiosity and your life will be immeasurably enriched.”
john gottman
Their pillars guide the couple towards a wholesome and spiritually strong bond:
- Shared Meaning System: One of the layers of the Sound Relationship House, a model developed by the Gottman’s, is “Creating Shared Meaning.” This emphasizes the importance of couples building a life together that is full of symbols and rituals that represent them. This doesn’t necessarily mean religion or spirituality in the traditional sense, but it does pertain to shared rituals, roles, goals, and symbols.
Examples include:
- Abiding by a set dinner time and ritual every day
- Having “General’s Meetings” weekly where you discuss schedules, plans, dates, and goals for the upcoming week
- Taking turns making the coffee each morning and offering the other a cup (small acts of daily kindness)
- Exercising together, cooking together/valuing similar diets
- Agreeing on each other’s roles in the family system and for communication (i.e.: agreeing not to raise voices when you fight).
Spiritual Intimacy: Dr. Gottman has discussed the idea that couples can find deeper connection and intimacy through shared spiritual beliefs or practices. For example, this could be through shared religious practices, meditation, or simply spending time in nature together. It’s about connecting on a level beyond the day-to-day and finding shared purpose or meaning.
Respect for Differences: While shared spiritual practices can enhance intimacy, Drs. Gottman’s also emphasizes the importance of respecting and supporting a partner’s individual beliefs and practices. A partner doesn’t necessarily have to share the same beliefs to support and respect them.
When I was in couples therapy with my partner, our Gottman therapist talked a lot about meeting each other’s “bids” for attention. Basically, it means to be aware when your partner is seeking validation from you. This may be challenging if you have different interests/perspectives than your mate.
For instance, your partner may make a comment about the beautiful birds at the birdfeeder. You could choose to ignore the comment (as you could care less about the birds) or, accept their bid for attention, and say, “Oh nice. What’s your favorite bird?” This nurtures the soul of your partner as they then feel heard, seen, and cared for.
Rituals of Connection: In the Sound Relationship House, “Rituals of Connection” is another layer. These rituals can be spiritual in nature. For example, a couple might have a ritual of saying a prayer together before meals or meditating together in the morning. Others may include:
- Sharing a daily gratitude list
- Touch rituals: hugging goodbyes/hellos, pre-sleep cuddling. Touch increases the love hormone oxytocin so this is a super important ritual.
- “Couples Time” before bed. I.E.: share a show, read together, shar about your days.
- Morning check-ins: take time to discuss the day’s expectations and how one another is doing.
Coping with Crisis: Dr. Gottman notes that couples who have a shared meaning system, including spiritual beliefs, can often cope more effectively with crises. They have a framework that gives them a sense of purpose or understanding, even in the face of challenges.
In summary, while Drs. John and Julie Gottman don’t exclusively focus on spirituality, they acknowledge its role in creating shared meaning and deepening intimacy in relationships.
Next, Let’s go over even more specific things you can do in your relationship to manifest enlightened love.
How To Develop Spirituality in a Relationship
Have you ever heard that phrase, “It’s the little things that’s the biggest?” Or, “Death by a thousand cuts”? Obviously, these mean that our daily actions and words accumulate to create a whole picture of who we are.
You may think you’re a great partner overall but if you’re not mindful everyday of how you talk to and treat your mate, it’s easy to fool ourselves into thinking we’re amazing when really, we miss the mark at being loving on the regular.
Be honest, do you take your partner for granted? I know I am guilty. So here’s some ways that will help us both be more diligent at nurturing love every day.
Prioritize Respect for One Another
True spirituality begins with mutual respect. Recognizing and valuing your partner’s spiritual journey is pivotal. This entails listening with an open heart, honoring boundaries, and celebrating each other’s growth.
It’s so easy to take each other for granted. But if we can continually remind ourselves that no one is ours, that nothing is a given, we are more likely to show respect in our relationship. And this alone can save it!
“It it love alone that leads to right action. What brings order in the world is to love and let love do what it will.”
Jiddu Krishnamurti
Respect is given in the little things: your tone of voice your lack or not of saying “please” and “thank you,” your not making sarcastic comments about your partner in front of friends. It was said to me once, “A marriage can survive after the spice of love wears off but not without respect.”
Know Thyself: A Key to Spiritual Relationships
Before you can genuinely connect spiritually with another, you must first understand yourself. Spend time in introspection, meditate, journal, or seek spiritual guidance. By understanding your own spiritual needs, you can better support and harmonize with your partner’s journey.
For instance, you may ask yourself:
- What unhelpful patterns of emotions or behaviors did I pick up from childhood?
- Are there wounds from my life path that have not healed?
- What messages about love did my upbringing give me?
- What are my love languages?
Knowing yourself is fundamental to creating a healthy relationship.
Be in the Community Together
Community plays a pivotal role in nurturing spirituality in relationships. By being part of spiritual gatherings, workshops, or groups, couples can immerse themselves in a shared environment that promotes growth, learning, and connection.
For example, engaging in community service or attending spiritual retreats together can further deepen the bond, allowing you to witness and support each other’s spiritual evolution in the larger context of society.
Do a Spiritual Practice Together and Discuss It
Shared spiritual practices, be it meditation, prayer, or reading spiritual texts, can be a real game changer when it comes to strengthening intimacy in the relationship. Engaging in these practices together can create a profound space of vulnerability and understanding.
Then, by choosing to discuss the experiences, insights, or challenges, it’s like sharing a secret language that only the two of you understand, fostering deeper intimacy and spiritual growth.
Enhance Similar Beliefs & Embrace Differences
Every couple will have shared beliefs and stark differences. The key is to amplify the shared spiritual beliefs, using them as a foundation, while also respecting and learning from the differences. Being mindful not to shame, blame, or criticize differences is key to enlightened love.
Spirituality in relationships is not about becoming identical in thought but about harmonizing disparate paths.
Next, develop intentionality in your relationship.
Develop an Intentional Life Together
Living an intentional life means making choices that align with both your individual and shared spiritual values. This could involve making conscious decisions about the way you spend your time, the kind of activities you engage in, or even the daily rituals you establish as a couple.
Take the time to dream the life you want with your partner. Here are some things you can ask yourselves:
- What do we want our relationship to look like in 5 years?
- Where do we want to live, what jobs, what lifestyle?
- Do we want children and how do we want to raise them, what values?
- What are our ideal dates, our bucket-list to-do’s in life?
By setting intentions and goals grounded in spiritual beliefs, couples can navigate life with purpose, clarity, and a shared vision.
These are just a few ways to develop your relationship’s spiritual life. But what to do if you discover your relationship is not in harmony? Let’s take a look.
Spiritually Unbalanced Relationships
Not all relationships achieve spiritual harmony. Discrepancies arise when one partner is deeply invested in their spiritual journey, while the other is indifferent or even dismissive. This imbalance can lead to feelings of disconnect, resentment, or misunderstanding.
It’s essential, therefore, for communication to remain open. Both partners must express their feelings and needs. If spirituality is a significant aspect of one’s life, it should be discussed and acknowledged, even if it isn’t shared. Sometimes, finding common ground or seeking counseling can bridge the spiritual divide.
Conclusion on Spirituality and Relationships:
In conclusion, spirituality and relationships intertwined bring forth an enlightened form of love. It’s a love that sees, understands, and values the soul’s journey, bringing couples not just closer to each other but also to the world at large.
As Rumi once said, “Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere. They’re in each other all along.” And so it is with spiritual love—it’s a discovery of the divine within and around us.