Too much emotional insecurity can strain and eventually kill a relationship if it’s not improved. Usually, emotional insecurity in a relationship looks like one partner expressing too much anxiety about the commitment or happiness level of the other partner. They seek regular validation from their mate to alleviate their anxiety and to affirm that things are good between them.
This emotional insecurity can push a partner away as it gets tiresome, boring, and even annoying to always have to validate the relationship. In addition, expressing such insecurity signals to your partner that you don’t trust them, or yourself, and this lack of trust breeds breakability.
Let’s explore where emotional insecurity in a relationship comes from, how it does damage, and how we can prevent it from ruining a good thing.
What Causes Emotional Insecurity?
There are many reasons emotional insecurity may show up in a relationship. Sometimes it stems from childhood attachment style issues, such as secure, avoidant, anxious, or disorganized attachment with a parent. Other times it evolves out of starting the relationship off too fast. Or, the couple establishes poor communication. First, let’s look at how childhood issues affect the level of emotional solidity in a relationship.
Childhood Issues
Emotional insecurity can stem from unresolved childhood issues. If someone grew up in an environment where they did not feel safe or loved, or primary needs were neglected, they may struggle with trusting others and feeling secure in relationships. When we’re infants and young children, the safety and emotional bonds we feel with our primary caregivers shapes our worldview.
If our primary needs for closeness, being protected, and appropriately tended to emotionally as a child was not met, we can develop emotional insecurity as adults towards others. We innately don’t trust ourselves or others. There’s then an inborn need to be validated. We become constantly vigilant in our relationships for threats. Expressing how we feel becomes unnatural because that wasn’t safe to do growing up. We’ve learned to express emotions in unhealthy ways.
But there are other reasons emotional instability occurs. Let’s see how rushing into things causes relationship insecurity.
You Rushed Into the Relationship
When people rush into a relationship without getting to know each other, they may not have a solid foundation to build trust and respect upon. This can lead to feelings of uncertainty as they get to know each other better. Assumptions were made at the get-go that then get challenged as the real person reveals themselves. The relationship was put onto a pedestal without legs, so-to-speak.
Similarly, building a relationship is like putting money in the bank. Small deposits build a big account one day. If you went straight from hello to the bedroom, for instance, or from a dating app swipe to moving in together, you’ve missed out on the small things that build trust, and risk taking one another for granted.
For example, those first moments of hand-holding, kissing, being walked to the door, going on new dates are important. They build romance, interest, and trust over time. The person is showing you their intentions and giving you signs of their ability to commit. Your date’s life details trickle out verses being totally avoided or gushed onto the other with recklessness. This gives space in the dating process to ask questions. You learn the other and can make micro-decisions about proceeding safely and how. You’re freer to set healthy communication patterns and boundaries. Taking it slow and steady builds respect and trust.
When you rush, you spoil all this and emotional bonding often gets railroaded or avoided by the urge to get to the “goal” of the relationship. The goal should be built like other goals: one step at a time.
Fear of Abandonment
Emotional insecurity can also stem from a fear of abandonment. If someone has been abandoned in the past, such as a sudden break up or their parents are divorced, they may worry that it will happen again in their current relationship. Likewise, if emotional intimacy was avoided in past relationships and a sense of loneliness developed, feelings of emptiness may carry into current relationships.
This can cause you to be too afraid to broach closeness and healthy vulnerability because the pain of abandonment hurt so much in the past. You may express timidity in your current partnership or be overly needy for your partner to coax out your feelings and thoughts.
Finally, let’s examine how poor communication affects partnerships levels of security.
Lack of Communication
When couples do not communicate effectively, misunderstandings occur. This can fester feelings of insecurity as one or both partners grow unsure of where they stand in the relationship. Open and honest communication can help build trust in relationships and alleviate feelings of insecurity.
In addition, toxic communication can breed relationship insecurity. This is when couples become passive aggressive, overtly aggressive and accusatory, or speak to one another with disrespect and with only one-sided views. Taking the time to establish good communication and working to always improve it helps build security in relationships.
Healthy Security Verses Unhealthy Insecurity
Security is an essential aspect of any healthy relationship. It is the foundation that allows both partners to feel safe, confident, and comfortable with each other. This means that both partners are on the same page in their commitment to each other, have trust, respect, and open communication. Healthy security is built on a strong foundation of love, mutual respect, and a mature exchange of ideas. Both partners feel comfortable expressing their thoughts and feelings, and they know that they can count on each other for support when needed.
On the other hand, unhealthy insecurity in a relationship can quickly lead to its demise. When someone is emotionally insecure, it leave it susceptible to jealousy, possessiveness, and controlling behavior. This is toxic and damaging to the relationship. Insecurity can cause one partner to constantly question the other’s commitment, leading to constant arguments and mistrust. It can also lead to monitoring the other person’s every move or isolating them from friends and family. Over time, this type of behavior can erode the foundation of trust and respect, bringing the eventual collapse of the relationship.
Thus, Building a healthy relationship takes good intentions, time and effort. Both partners must be committed to building trust, respect, and open communication. If you’re in a relationship that is suffering from emotional insecurity, it’s essential to seek professional help to work through your issues and build a healthier foundation for your relationship.
Types of Anxiety in Relationships
Anxiety in romantic relationships can manifest in different ways depending on the individual and the specific circumstances of the relationship. However, some common types of anxiety in romantic relationships include:
- Rejection: Characterized by fear of abandonment and losing the romantic partner, people with rejection anxiety struggle with trusting their partner, seeking reassurance, or feeling the need to constantly check in with them.
- Jealousy: Jealousy is marked by fear of infidelity, competition, or losing the affection of the partner to someone else. This anxiety leads to possessiveness, obsessively checking partner’s whereabouts or messages, and attempts to control the partner.
- Performance: This type of anxiety involves fear of not being good enough, either sexually or in other aspects of the relationship, such as communication or conflict resolution. People experience feelings of inadequacy and worry about disappointing their partner.
- Separation: Separation anxiety is the fear of being apart from one’s partner. It can lead to clinginess, fear of being alone, and difficulty maintaining a sense of independence and autonomy.
- Social: Social anxiety in the context of romantic relationships involves fear of meeting the partner’s friends or family, fear of public displays of affection, or fear of being judged or rejected by others.
It’s worth noting that experiencing some degree of anxiety in a romantic relationship is common, and it’s important to differentiate between normal, healthy anxiety and anxiety that is interfering with one’s ability to enjoy the relationship and function in daily life.
Signs and Behaviors that Create Emotional Insecurity in the Relationship
Here are 10 common behaviors that create feelings of emotional insecurity in a romantic relationship:
- Constant need for reassurance: frequent asks for reassurance from your partner about their love, commitment, or attraction to them.
- Fear of abandonment: persistent fear that you partner will leave you, even if there is no evidence to support this fear.
- Overthinking and overanalyzing: frequently obsessing over small details or interactions in the relationship.
- Difficulty trusting your partner: You struggle to trust your partner’s intentions, actions, or words, even if your partner has given you no reason to doubt them.
- Insecurity about your own worth: Self-doubt in your worthiness or attractiveness as a partner.
- Avoiding vulnerability: You avoid being vulnerable with your mate, fearing that they will reject or hurt you.
- Comparison to others: You compare yourself to others, such as to your partner’s exes or other potential romantic partners.
- Controlling behaviors: You exhibit controlling behaviors, such as trying to limit your partner’s interactions with others or monitoring your partner’s activities.
- Difficulty communicating: You struggle to communicate feelings and needs to your partner, which can lead to misunderstandings and conflicts.
- Self-sabotage: You engage in behaviors that undermine the relationship, such as picking fights, creating drama, or pushing your love.
How To Know if Insecurity is a Sign to End Things
Sometimes emotional insecurity isn’t just about missing the mark on how to better connect with our partners. It can be a tell that the relationship needs to end. There are deeper issues which need to be walked away from, such as constant conflict despite good-faith efforts to improve things. If the insecurity is pervasive, chronic, and causing significant distress or conflict in the relationship, it may be a sign that the relationship is not a good fit.
The most obvious sign is when there is emotional or physical abuse, coercive control, or manipulation in the relationship. If the relationship consistently causes significant emotional distress, anxiety, or depression, the insecurity has become unmanageable.
Finally, if both partners are unwilling or unable to address the underlying issues that are causing the insecurity, it may be time to consider ending the relationship in order to pursue a healthier, more fulfilling partnership. Ultimately, the decision to walk away from requires careful consideration, honest self-reflection, and a willingness to prioritize one’s own emotional health and happiness.
Why It’s Important to Address Relationship Insecurities
Being secure in a relationship is like having on a life vest when swimming far out into the ocean. Sometimes we don’t know what the tides of life will be. Our connection with our partner needs to be emotionally strong to weather what may come. There may be family deaths, illnesses, complications with children, or other major life events that rock the boat. If our connection is built on shaky emotional ground, such significant turmoil can crumble a seemingly sustainable relationship.
Furthermore, a relationship cannot grow and improve unless insecurity is handled. True connection comes from being able to share our innermost fears, hopes, and thoughts with another. When we’re not appropriately emotionally bonded, we can’t get to those richer intimacy levels with our lover. Thus, this leaves us unfulfilled and liable to be lonely in the partnership. It takes courage to be vulnerable and address insecurity. But it’s worth it to create a more fruitful and fulfilling relationship.
How To Stop Insecurity from Ruining a Relationship
Managing emotional insecurity in a relationship is a complex and ongoing process that requires consistent effort and communication. One practical way to stop it from ruining things is to identify the underlying causes of it and address them. This might involve seeking therapy or counseling to process past traumas or insecurities. Also, practicing self-care and self-compassion to build resilience and self-confidence helps. Communicating openly and honestly with one’s partner about one’s feelings and needs is a must.
Additionally, learning conflict resolution skills, such as active listening, non-judgmental communication, and compromise, reduces the likelihood of misunderstandings or conflicts that may trigger insecurity.
Finally, both partners should prioritize building trust, respect, and mutual support in the relationship. By being consistent, reliable, and empathetic towards one another, you build respect and trust. With patience, effort, and commitment, it is possible to manage and overcome emotional insecurity in a relationship. You can build a healthier, more fulfilling partnership with a bit of time, attention, and know-how.