If you’re of a certain mindset, relationships are hard work. But if you approach the necessary effort that goes into developing a relationship with instructive knowledge and direction, the work not only pays off, it doesn’t feel hard.
When people say “relationships take work,” what they mean is that each person is required to have a level of consciousness of the needs of their partner and to take action about those needs. It means getting out of your comfort zone and addressing conflicts. Additionally, it means to activate each other’s creative juices in order to continually renew the zest between each other.
The great relationship experts, Drs. John and Julie Gottman, developed an encompassing concept called The Sound Relationship House. It involves key pillars to a strong relationship (we’ll discuss some in this post). The fact is, relationships, like a house, contains many parts. They require related functioning between them in order for the house to be stable and strong.
Let’s explore ways in which relationships are hard and practical steps to make yours amazing.
[KEY TAKEAWAYS:
- Bad relationship habits and mindsets make relationships hard. These can be fixed
- Overcoming these challenges is worth it
- Having a good relationship means effort
- There are tools you can use to make a successful relationship]
8 Ways Relationships are Hard
Relationships are a complex and multifaceted experience that can be both rewarding and challenging. While the joy of intimacy and connection can be immeasurable, the realities of navigating differences in personalities, expectations, and communication styles can often present obstacles.
If we avoid these realities and don’t constructively work on them, it can be tempting to quit the partnership, leaving us with the sense that relationships are hard work. Here are 8 ways relationships can feel hard:
1) The excitement in the relationship wears off
When a couple goes through the dating process, love hormones are on fire. Research has shown that early on in courtship, these happy hormones, like oxycontin, are peaking so as to create a bond (important evolutionarily to enhance species production). It is a time of seeing each other through rose-colored glasses and telling all your friends just how wonderful your date is.
But as people get familiar with each other, those hormones wane. This can leave us with a sense that the relationship just isn’t as exciting as it used to be. Understanding the chemical makeup of relationships can help relax assumptions that a relationship is in trouble if it’s not exciting all the time.
2) Relationships are hard work because they require thinking of the other person
Relationships can feel hard because they challenge our innately selfish natures. A “my way or the highway” mindset won’t work in a partnership. There will be rules to follow, such as agreeing to monogamy or to limit time with friends when you have children. That may feel problematic to a person’s independent identity.
Not only that, each person operates from their own needs and desires. If you’re not ready or willing to compromise to address your partner’s needs sometimes, then relationships will feel hard. Alternatively, if these sacrifices of self can be seen as acts of giving and joy-creators in a relationship, the partnership has a good chance of growing successful.
3) Relationship expectations don’t always line up
One of the biggest reasons relationships feel hard or fail is because the couple doesn’t disclose or change their expectations. One person may be in the relationship aiming at marriage and a church-oriented relationship. Meanwhile, the other may be happy to never tie the knot and is not interested in raising children in church.
In another way, the couple may not have set any expectations for the relationship and thus don’t have a solid container, so-to-speak of which to base it’s success off of. Without getting clarity on each other’s relationship expectations, relationships can feel like hard work.
4) Relationships feel hard because people come with past issues
Emotional baggage. We’ve all had it. Relationship baggage is when someone has not thoroughly processed the thoughts and emotions from a prior relationship or even from their childhood upbringing. Thus, in the current relationship, partners tend to react instead of act, projecting fears and hurts from the past onto their current beau.
Unfinished psychological imprints from a person’s past can seep into current conflicts and muddy the situation. This can make the relationship feel like hard work as not only does one have to sort out the current struggle, but deal with the past ones as well. Tidying up your inner house will help prevent your relationships feeling like hard work.
5) You have to make choices as a couple, not just for yourself
When we live alone, lonely as it may be sometimes, one boon is that we don’t have to answer to anyone. We can eat when we want, buy what we want, go out whenever we want. But as a couple, time is not just yours anymore. Money is shared or negotiated. Your partner may have issues with how much time you spend outside the home. You’re a unit now, two parts of a whole, and must work together to produce a future that works for the both of you.
Sometimes what we want long term isn’t exactly what our mate wants. For instance, you may prioritize fixing up the deck, repairing the bathrooms, and making the house ready to sell at some point down the road. Whereas, your partner may be more moment-to-moment minded and wants to spend extra cash on cars or trips or new tools. One reason relationships fail is because people struggle to find common ground around such issues and make choices together.
6) Relationships force you to be vulnerable and open
Being revealing about your inner truth is key in a healthy relationship. When couples are in marriage or relationship counseling, the therapist has each person take turns sharing their innermost pains, struggles, problems, and needs related to the relationship. You say things like, “When you ignored my comment on the yard looking nice, I felt insignificant to you or that my attention doesn’t matter to you.”
Or, “When I found you on your phone again talking to your coworker, I was afraid you were developing feelings for her and don’t love me anymore.” Every subtle movement and expression you give off can be picked up in some way by your partner, who may or may not interpret it correctly.
When couples fail to be open and vulnerable with each other about their feelings and perceptions, relationships tend to fail due to resentment building and emotional estrangement.
Vulnerability is not weakness; it is our most accurate measure of courage.
brene brown
7) Relationships feel hard because people need autonomy or alone time
This, perhaps, is one of the biggest reasons relationships are hard and fail over time. We just need our space and alone time sometimes. We need to feel like we have a separate identity from the relationship and are a person with individual dreams, goals, and perceptions. When we are unable to carve out our unique identity and have it respected in the relationship, the relationship can fail.
A good metaphor is that each person is a rope and the relationship intertwines you both, making the rope stronger. But if each person stops developing as an individual, their part of the rope starts to fray and weakens the relationship. This is another area to be negotiated: how much alone time, how can each person’s need for autonomy be fulfilled without damaging the sense of togetherness.
8) Relationships feel hard because they’re lacking respect
Respecting each other is probably more important than love when it comes to the long-term success of a relationship.
It’s fairly common in partnerships to, over time, feel a sense of ownership or authority over the other person. So much time is spent together that partners start to feel they know one another like the back of their hand- the good, the bad, the ugly. Too often, people get lazy in their view of their partner and take them for granted. They pick at the bad habits of the other, making subtle critical comments or embarrassing them in front of friends.
This is sure to tank a relationship because fundamentally, humans want dignity and respect. If people can take mental time every day to appreciate and praise their partner’s positive qualities and when there’s a need to criticize, do it with care and respect, relationships can flourish.
Overcoming These Challenges
It is through confronting and overcoming these challenges that we can grow and deepen our connections with those we care about. Relationships require a constant investment of time, energy, and emotional vulnerability, and this investment can be taxing at times.
Yet, when we commit to building and nurturing relationships with care, empathy, and understanding, the benefits are immeasurable and enrich our lives in countless ways.
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A Good Relationship Means Effort
Mutual effort in a romantic relationship is the key to not only a happy and fulfilling partnership, but also personal growth and development. When both partners contribute equally to the relationship, there is a sense of balance and mutual respect that fosters a healthy and loving environment.
By working together towards common goals, such as building a home or planning a future, couples can learn to communicate effectively, compromise, and support each other through both the ups and downs of life. Through this shared effort, each partner can grow individually and as a team, creating a stronger and more resilient relationship that can weather any challenge.
5 Benefits of Making an Effort in a Relationship
- Mental health: Being in a relationship can provide a sense of purpose and belonging, which can improve mental health. It provides an emotional support system during difficult times.
- Satisfies companion needs/Cure for loneliness: Loneliness is a killer. Literally. Studies have shown that loneliness can lead to heart failure and strokes. Conversely, positive companionship is known to improve health outcomes and boost longevity.
- Helps you achieve life goals: A good relationship helps each other reach personal goals. You’re more likely to stick to your dreams with a buddy to hold you accountable and cheer you on.
- Financial and life security: Having two incomes offers more financial security. You’re more likely to have health insurance, be able to buy a home, and save money. Also, having a partner means having someone to help with future big medical decisions, such as having the power of attorney over major medical news.
- Enhance each other’s good traits/Holds each other accountable: with a positive relationship, partners can help one another be a good person. Someone who knows you so well can give you wonderful feedback on your traits and habits.
9 Ways To Win in Your Relationship
A thriving healthy romantic relationship can be an incredibly rewarding and transformative experience. It is a partnership where both individuals feel seen, heard, and valued. Mutual respect and trust form the foundation of the connection.
In a thriving relationship, both partners feel comfortable expressing themselves honestly and openly. They know that their feelings and opinions will be received with empathy and understanding.
Here are 9 tools to develop a lasting, loving relationship:
- Creating a shared vision: dream together of the life you want to build. Get specific and develop a plan for it.
- Developing great communication: Study good relationship communication (read this book by The Gottman’s). Basically, own your feelings and speak calmly and respectfully.
- Fighting fair: If something is bothering you, don’t hold it in for long. Avoid passive-aggressiveness and hoping they’ll figure out what’s the matter. No one can read your mind! Lay ground rules together for how to deal with anger in the relationship.
- Being intentional about romance- keep dating: Realize that you’re lucky to have your partner. You are responsible for showing them you care and for creating new experiences. Novel experiences boosts love hormones so plan some new, fun dates on the regular. Stay curious about your partner!
- Respecting boundaries and alone time: agree to time each week where you both get time away or alone time. Respect each other’s time and be grateful for it.
- Being kind and thoughtful: Practice doing small acts of kindness towards each other. Make fresh coffee in the morning for them or lay out their bath towels. Smile and tell them what you appreciate about them. Nurture friendliness and warmth.
- Accepting changes: People change over time. Allow room for each other to spread their wings and try new things. Also, roles in the relationship may change. Try to adapt to them through thorough discussions and keeping an open mind.
- Paying attention to each other: We all want to be seen. It’s validating and emotionally rewarding. It fills us up. Be considerate when your partner shares something, even if seemingly insignificant. Respond, give good eye contact, and love on them.
- The Gottman’s Golden Rule: 5-1 ratio good to bad experiences: guard against too many negative experiences. The Gottman’s (those relationship experts mentioned above) say there should be no more than a 5-1 ration of good to bad experiences in the partnership. Work on developing the positive.
Bringing It All Home
Through communication and compromise, the relationship won’t be hard work. It can weather any storm that arises and come out even stronger on the other side. It is a place of safety, support, and growth. A safe place where both individuals can feel free to pursue their passions and dreams. It is knowing that their partner will be there to cheer them on.
Ultimately, a thriving healthy romantic relationship is a beautiful reflection of the power of love. The commitment and shared values has the potential to enrich every aspect of our lives. Yes, it takes work. But it’s up to you, your value judgment on it, whether it’s “hard” or worth it.