Emotional intelligence applied to your personal relationships is a powerful tool for success in life. Part of what creates enjoyment and relative happiness is having healthy relationships. When we have scientifically backed tools for improving and understanding our human life connections, we are able to live with more satisfaction. Understanding emotional intelligence gives you power not only in your work life, but in your most important intimate relationships. Read on for how to use this knowledge for your benefit.
Emotional intelligence (EI) refers to the ability to recognize, understand, and manage one’s own emotions, as well as the emotions of others. It is often divided into four areas: self-awareness, self-regulation, motivation, and empathy. People with high EI are able to use emotions to guide their thinking and behavior, and to manage their relationships effectively. Made popular in the mid-1990s by the book on the matter by Daniel Goldman, EI changed the landscape of the business and personal development world. Let’s explore the foundations of EI and how to utilize it in your relationships.
The Basics of Emotional Intelligence
At the heart of emotional intelligence is simply being aware of and being capable of managing yours and others feelings. Sounds simple, huh? But the fact is that emotion happens faster than thinking and it’s easy for us to react to situations rather than handle them constructively. EI means being able to determine what is emotionally motivating yours and another’s behavior in order to best understand them. It is knowing that you cannot control another’s behavior or emotions. Having awareness of what they are helps give you a handle on how best to interact with them. This is important because it helps with conflict resolution, progressing conversations past feelings, and making good decisions.
Managing yours and others emotions does not mean being codependent with another, such as people pleasing, accommodating negative behavior, and having poor boundaries. Instead, it means having strong interpersonal skills like seeing what’s going on, constructively addressing it, and being able to respectfully and empathetically communicate through issues (more on empathy below).
The Importance of Self-Awareness
Knowing is half the battle, right? (Throw back to the GI Joe cartoon of the 1980s!). Being able to identify what you’re feeling and why is key to growing your EI. You can’t change what you don’t know! Meditation helps with creating more self-awareness because it teaches one be an observer of what feelings arise verses letting the feelings take over you as they come. It creates choice in the matter.
Also, questioning yourself as you have a strong emotion to someone or something can help you have self-awareness. For instance, if Bob from accounting doesn’t thank you for staying late to help him get the tax documents ready and you get angry, ask yourself why it makes you upset. What story does it tell you in your mind?
Thinking like this will help put space around the feeling so you can first sort the emotions out before you act upon them. Self awareness empowers you because it prevents you from impulsive reactions towards others and lets you drive the conversations and whether to sweat the small stuff or not. Maybe Bob was so stressed it just slipped his mind verses him doing it to personally hurt you.
Tips for Improving Emotional Intelligence
Here are some foundational tips for growing your EI:
- Practice self-awareness: Understand your own emotions and how they affect your thoughts and behavior.
- Practice empathy: Try to understand the perspectives and emotions of others.
- Communicate effectively: Express yourself clearly and actively listen to others.
- Manage your emotions: Learn techniques to regulate your emotions and keep them in check.
- Build relationships: Develop and maintain positive relationships with others.
- Be resilient: Learn to bounce back from difficult situations and setbacks.
- Practice mindfulness: Be present in the moment and pay attention to your thoughts and feelings.
- Learn from experience: Reflect on past experiences and use them to improve your emotional intelligence.
- Seek feedback: Ask for feedback from others and use it to improve your understanding of yourself and others.
- Seek professional help if needed: If you feel that your emotional intelligence is causing problems in your life, consider seeking help from a therapist or counselor.
Pin It!
Emotional Intelligence in Romantic Relationships
Perhaps the most important relationship in your life, romantic partnership is a great area to make emotional IQ strong. While relationships have their ups and downs, conflicts, and stressors, they can also create long-lasting meaning and fulfillment in your life. Having a healthy, growth-oriented romantic partnership where good communication is at the center is truly one of life’s greatest gifts. Practicing emotional intelligence, therefore, is key to keeping your relationship moving in a positive direction. In fact, improving your emotional communication with your lover tends to spill good feelings into your broader life, whereas not having strong EI can have the opposite effect.
How EI Can Improve Communication and Intimacy
What is at the root of our partnerships? It is having great care and love for each other. That means addressing issues and problems in each other and in the relationship so that you get through them, grow, and continue to love one another. Like two ropes intertwined, you become one strong unit. Emotional intelligence in the relationship allows you to be sensitive to the needs of your lover and thus make any changes or take actions in regards to those needs. Tending to one another’s needs is a core principle of a healthy relationship (remember though to separate this from codependency).
EI helps people communicate because it strengthens your self awareness of what’s triggering your emotions. when you can name it, discover why you’re reacting that way, and the meaning behind the feelings, you are better equipped to tell your partner about it without blame, accusations, and passive aggressiveness. You start to own your feelings and needs and be more direct with getting them out in the open with empathy. You stick to the facts verses spilling your emotions sloppily all over your partner and causing issues.
When both partners are high in EI, you have a higher chance of creating a wonderful, lasting intimacy. (Read my post on how to increase the love between partners for tips on building a strong connection).
Why Empathy Builds Strong Relationships
Self development and vulnerability expert Brene Brown says, “Empathy is a way to connect to the emotion another person is experiencing; it doesn’t require that we have experienced the same situation they are going through.”
Empathy is connecting with people so we know we’re not alone in the world.
Brene brown
It’s not taking on another’s emotions for your own per se but rather witnessing their feelings and imagining what they’re going through. It’s setting aside your judgements and trying to sense what’s important for them in that moment, what they need, in the wake of their emotion.
Daniel Goleman says there are three types of empathy: cognitive, emotional, and compassionate. Cognitive is where you think about the other person and shift your perspective to really try and understand that person’s experience. Emotional is where you actually start to relate to your mate’s feelings such that you begin to feel them as well, “as though their emotions are contagious,” he writes. Compassionate empathy, the crown jewel of empathy, you think and feel what your partner, say, is feeling but also take action about it.
Empathy in Action in Your Romantic Relationship
In speaking of empathy in romantic relationships, for example, that could be a situation where you notice your partner freezing you out, being distant and cold. You gently inquire about what’s going on, and stay in tune with their response (cognitive). They may tell you, ‘Oh, that comment you made last night at dinner about not wanting to join bank accounts really bothered me.” Instead of reacting and getting defensive, you inquire for more information and put yourself into their shoes (emotional). They may eventually tell you that it scared them that you weren’t as invested in the relationship as they were.
You can imagine how that would make one feel sad and anxious and wanting to put up a wall. A compassionate empathetic approach then may be to verbally reassure them, explain your reasons for not wanting a bank account, and setting a date in the future to open one.
Empathy allows relationships to flourish because there’s a give and take, a reciprocity, in emotional expression and of needs. This allows for needs to be met and cared for, which then helps the relationship grow and the partners know one another at such a level of intimacy so as to be truly bonded and connected. Such a relationship has the potential to last for life and truly become an expression of love.
Emotional Intelligence with Kids and Family
Imagine a society where kids were raised with emotional intelligence. Where they were sensitive to those around them and had the tools to navigate through conflicts and negative emotions. Kids are naturally sensitive, I believe. They come into this world as little barometers ready to discover everything about their surroundings. But we tend to limit the capacity for children to develop emotionally, often because we ourselves haven’t had the education on how to be aware, shift, and work with our feelings.
Often we’re shoved out of emotions by time constraints, adult overwhelm, and fear of making things worse if the emotions are let out. While getting lost in emotion is just as bad as ignoring them, raising kids with EI is important for their success in life. In fact, studies have shown that people with high EI succeed more often in the workplace than those scoring low on EI. It can account for twice as much for bosses than standard IQ. So how do we assure that our kids have EI?
Raising Kids with High EI
Raising kids with high emotional intelligence begins with helping them identify their feelings. (Growing up, we’ve all seen the feelings chart in classrooms or doctor’s offices with the stick figure faces)! Some kids are wired by nature to be more emotionally intelligent. But helping them name their emotions is a first step in their self awareness that then grows to awareness of others emotions. This is nurtured into them. We then help to offer solutions to manage their feelings and for them to start thinking of ways to manage emotions on their own.
For young children, empathy and awareness of others can happen through play and storytelling. Role playing with other children, taking turns with various characters, and reading stories about characters helps children grow a perspective that others have feelings just like them. There are many ways to teach EI in kids.
Let’s look at 5 ways this can be done.
5 Tips for Raising Kids with EI
- Model emotional intelligence yourself by being aware of your own emotions and managing them in a healthy way.
- Encourage your child to express their emotions and provide a safe space for them to do so.
- Teach your child empathy by encouraging them to consider the feelings of others and to practice active listening.
- Provide opportunities for your child to practice social skills, such as sharing and taking turns, through play and other activities.
- Help your child develop self-awareness and self-regulation by teaching them techniques such as deep breathing and mindfulness.
The Power of Strengthening Relationships
Emotional intelligence plays a vital role in the success of relationships. It allows individuals to understand their own emotions and the emotions of others, leading to better communication, conflict resolution, and overall satisfaction in the relationship. Developing emotional intelligence can improve one’s ability to connect with others, build stronger relationships, and lead a more fulfilling life. Therefore, it is important to take the time to work on building emotional intelligence in both personal and professional relationships.