Knowing how to help a child with nightmares can feel like an abstract, shot-in-the-dark thing. Sometimes, especially if in young children, kids can barely articulate what the dream was about, much less discuss the feelings it evokes. As parents, there’s also a tendency to brush it off quickly in an attempt to sooth them back to sleep. We say things like, “It was just a dream! Shh, shh!”. While helpful in some ways, it can feel dismissive or invalidating to the realness of the nightmare for the child.
Children’s nightmares can alarm parents, especially if recurring. We worry that a small trauma has happened in their waking lives, such as being bullied or spoken to harshly, and that events have affected them more than they can let on. We feel somehow responsible. Also, we wonder if it’s a sign of some underlying physical or mental health issue.
But these bad dreams are normal, within reason. From eating before bed, to processing normal growing pains, nightmares can be developmentally appropriate events. Let’s explore nightmares in children and how we can help when experienced.
What Causes Nightmares in Kids?
Recently, my 3 year old son had a bought of nightmares. For 3 days in a row he woke screaming about monsters and we would find him sitting in his bed frantically scanning the room for them. He slept with us from that point on for those days. When I asked him what it was about, one was about me yelling and monsters came (insightful, lol!), another was about a neighbor girl and a black shadow coming up by her. I could barely make it out as he spoke.
There were several things that may have caused his dreams. One, he was coming down with a virus and his eyes were crusting over with conjunctivitis. Two, we just got new neighbors who he’s been playing with a lot. Three, at the foot of his bed on the opposite wall was a shelf where all his super heroes were, who’s masked faces I’m sure didn’t look so heroic during the shadowed night! But there are lots of reasons for kid’s nightmares and a lot is still unknown about what causes them. Here are some common reasons:
Most Common Causes of Kid’s Nightmares:
Like regular dreams, in adults and children, nightmares are the mind’s way of processing lots of information in our sleep. In nightmares, that information may be more stressful, stimulating, or unsettling for the dreamer. Here are some causes of nightmares:
- Reaction to trauma: Accidents, deaths in the family, broken bones or other injuries, major illnesses, and powerful weather events can cause disrupted sleep and for the young brain to generate intense images to represent those events.
- Stressful situations: Family tensions, moving to new home, new school, divorce, or a new baby are all big changes in a kid’s life that can be challenging to process and cause intense dreams and fearful emotions.
- Scary objects/shows/books: Creepy dolls/toys in the kid’s room, intense shows before bed, movies with fighting and yelling and bad guys, or inappropriately scary books (such as Harry Potter being read to a 5 year old- those can be frightening) can all cause bad dreams.
- Active imaginations: Sometimes children who are highly imaginative can take a waking life scenario and turn it into a what-if scary pondering. This may also allude to a bit of anxiety in a child; ruminating on future fears.
- Eating too much before bed: This may be more of an old-wives tale but sometimes eating too much food before bed can trigger a bad dream. The body is actively working to digest it during sleep, which may stir up crazy images.
When to Seek Professional Help for Nightmares
Although most nightmares are a heathy way for children to process negative, complex waking experiences, they can also be a sign that something needs to be addressed more deeply. If your child’s bad dreams continue over a length of time and don’t seem to be getting better, reach out to their doctor for advice. It may be sign that the kid is having more difficulty than normal processing some event, or it can be a sign that there’s an underlying health or mental health condition budding, such as anxiety issues.
How To Help Children After Bad Dreams
Parents are the best soothers to a child in any situation but especially after a nightmare (Doesn’t it feel good to be the hero to them? LOL, admit it, it does feel good to be looked up to so grandly! It won’t last forever so enjoy it!). Kids immediately feel the weight of their bad dream being taken off their shoulders and put onto their parents.
However, sometimes parents can be rather dismissive of kids bad dreams, quickly shh-ing them or making light of it. To kids, the dream was very real and significant and parents can help them digest it better by asking questions, validating their experiences, and providing calming solutions and routines. Below are several ways to help your kiddo through the nightmare.
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Provide a Calming Sleep Routine
Sleep routines give children a sense of predictability, stability, and empowerment in their day. It helps them feel good to know what comes next and that they know what to do. The more you stick to a short bedtime routine (15-30 minutes), the more your child will feel safe going to sleep.
In this routine, spend a few minutes going over their day. Review the events of the day and ask them questions like, “what was your favorite part?” or “was anything upsetting to you today?”. Helping them identify emotions of the day and talk about them sets them up for processing them while awake, taking pressure off their minds when sleeping. Take a warm bath, read a calming bedtime story and reflect on their day together.
Additionally, having comforting sleep items such as a gentle sound machine, soothing lighting, and a favorite blanket or stuffed animal will help them feel safe and sound. Also, cutting of TV, movies, intense books, and other over-stimulating things an hour before bedtime can help reduce the event of a nightmare.
Validate Your Kids Dream and of Your Presence
When your child wakes from a bad dream, comforting them with confidence and assurance of your presence will help them move out of it. Saying, “I’m here, you’re safe,” and “You had a nightmare or a bad dream,” validates what happened. You can hug them while they come out of it, and ask them if they want to share the dream.
Then, listen and validate them that it was indeed scary and that now they’re awake. Explain that it was a dream and now it’s over and not real. Assure them that we all have bad dreams sometimes. Helping them talk about it and being a good listener can relieve their little minds.
You don’t want to talk so much that they don’t go back to bed but just enough to help them come down from their height of fear to understand they’re now safe. These reassuring words from you will go a long way to comforting children after a nightmare.
Provide Protection and Help Back to Sleep
When a child experiences a nightmare, it can be a frightening experience that can disrupt their sleep and even affect their mental health. As a parent, one of the most important things you can do is to provide your child with a sense of safety and comfort.
One way to do this is to use tools like pretend monster spray, dream catchers, and good night lights. Pretend monster spray can help your child feel like they have control over their fears, while dream catchers are believed by some cultures to trap bad dreams and only allow good dreams to pass through. Good night lights can also help to alleviate any fears of the dark.
Additionally, encouraging your child to imagine a special dream helper, such as a favorite animal or a superhero, can provide them with a sense of security and help them fall back asleep more easily. These tools can be effective in giving your child the comfort they need to sleep soundly through the night.
Help with Children’s Nightmares During the Day
When my son wakes up in the morning, I always ask him if he had any dreams. It’s become a treasurable morning ritual. He climbs up on my lap, snuggles in, and tells me about any dreams- or nightmares he’s had. Sometimes I can’t make out what he says (he’s a toddler) but it definitely feels wholesome to have these mini conversations with him and it seems to help him understand what dreams are.
Sometimes, like this week with the series of nightmares he’s been having, we’ll do art about it or talk about things he can do to “fight” the monsters (now, I tend to be a bit hippie-minded and encourage him to “befriend” the monsters rather than fighting them but you get the point!).
One way we do this is by reading Maurice Sendak’s book, “Where the Wild Things Are”. In it, the main character, Max, tames the monsters by putting a spell on them and saying, “Be still!”. The monsters become part of his kingdom. But there are many clever ways to help your kid through a bought of bad dreams. Here’s a few:
Tools for Helping Kids Having Nightmares:
Here are some suggestions for things parents can do during the daytime to help their children cope with nightmares:
- Drawing and Art. Encourage your child to draw or paint their bad dream. This can help them process their emotions and give them a sense of control over their fears.
- Re-imagining the bad dream. Ask your child to come up with a different, more positive ending to their nightmare. This can help them feel empowered and reduce their anxiety.
- Imagining dream helpers. Encourage your child to imagine a helpful character in their dream who can protect them from scary things. This can help them feel safer and more secure.
- Removing scary things from the room. If your child has a specific object in their room that scares them, such as a doll or a poster, remove it or cover it up at night.
- Talking about scary social situations. If your child is worried about something happening in the real world, such as meeting an aggressive dog or starting at a new school, talk to them about it during the day. This can help them feel more prepared and less anxious.
- Positive thinking and self-talk. Teach your child to think positively and talk themselves out of fear. Encourage them to repeat affirmations such as “I am safe” or “I am brave” when they feel scared.
- Age-appropriate breathing and visualization techniques. Teach your child simple breathing exercises or visualizations they can use to calm themselves down when they feel anxious.
- Using positive memories to calm down. Encourage your child to think about happy memories or moments when they felt safe and secure. This can help them feel more relaxed and less anxious.
- Teaching what dreams are. Explain to your child the difference between dreams and reality. This can help them understand that their bad dreams are not real and reduce their anxiety.
- Any other good ideas. Reading your child a soothing story before bed, playing relaxing music, or using a nightlight to help them feel more secure all work as well. You can also seek the help of a professional. If your child’s nightmares are persistent and interfering with their daily life, seek help.
Remember, every child is different, so what works for one child may not work for another. Try different strategies until you find what works best for your child.
Nightmares can certainly be concerning to parents. But like facing our own inner struggles, they can be a healthy part of children’s lives. They help to process their own inner conflicts and information about the world around them. With your love and help, nightmares will pass and the child can learn a lot through them. Let me know your child’s nightmare stories and anything you’ve found helpful in the comments below!
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