Sibling empathy and compassion are crucial for family health and child well-being. In fact, the closeness and kindness between siblings directly effects children’s broader social lives and success. This is a near and dear topic to my heart. While my two sisters and I are close and kind to each other now, we didn’t grow up that way! My older sister and I often got into physical fights and sarcastic verbal cut-downs. And the two of us regularly excluded and made fun of our younger sister. Terrible! Looking back, I see how these toxic relationships influenced my adolescent and teen social problems like failing to make good friends or to be a good friend.
Developing empathy and compassion between siblings really starts as a top-down function. With good leadership from the parents and caregivers, kids learn through modeling how to gain pro-social behavior. Kids don’t know how to fully regulate and critically think about their emotions. Without the help from guiding, compassionate adults, when conflict arises, if they don’t have good social habits established, kids can develop unhealthy and socially dysfunctional ways to deal with it.
Through example setting, the building of positive experiences between the siblings, and other structured parenting tools, siblings can become like friends who naturally develop healthy social lives outside the family and can be a real source of emotional and mental support in life. Let’s look at these important foundational relationships and how to encourage compassion and empathy between siblings.
Sibling Empathy and Compassion at Home
When I was at my older son’s grade school (he’s now 17), which went from preschool to 8th, I’d see certain siblings merrily skipping along as though having the best time together. The older one even gladly helped the younger one with her pack and said an encouraging word to her before they parted to their separate classrooms. Because my sibling relationships were not so wholesome, I found myself staring at them in bewilderment. “This is possible?” I thought.
My son was an only child until age 13 when I had my second son from a new relationship. By then, my eldest was mature enough to really enjoy the new baby and to this day is sweet and kind to him, which the little one just eats up. So I can’t say I’ve had to work on developing healthy sibling relationships there.
However, going off of my own sibling rivalry and competition growing up, and through my own research on the topic, I look back and see clearly that we were allowed to get away with terrible behavior and were left to our own devices when it came to figuring out how to be with one another. In retrospect, while my parents loved us and did their best, and were probably normal for their era, they could’ve helped shape our sibling empathy and compassion more.
Parents Roles in Healthy Sibling Relationships
Research shows that, “The first emotional and affectionate bonds experienced within the family serve as the basis for attachment, trust, and security in all other close relationships.” Of course this makes sense. We act what we know. These early impressions for how humans interact with each other, what is presented as normal, sticks with us for life- or until we do therapy and self-development work to undo dysfunctional relationship patterns.
Not only does the quality of talking, non-verbal communication, and love between parents matter for how siblings relate to one another, but how parents actively direct their children in regards to their kin plays a huge role in whether siblings form healthy or unhealthy bonds. Let’s look at a personal example for how parents’ bonds can make or break kids’ sense of well-being in relation to their siblings.
Examples of Why Parents’ Relationships Matter
In my family growing up, it was clear at a certain point, around age 10, that my parents no longer were really in love. They often hung out in separate rooms, barely spent quality time together, and shows of affection, such as kind touches or warm smiles for no reason were mute. This rubs off on a kid.
When kids don’t trust their parents’ relationship, it can cause emotional instability in them and make them act out negatively towards siblings. Also, when parents are consumed with their own problems, it’s easy to neglect what’s going on between the kids. There were many times when my older sister and I were physically fighting and being verbally cruel to one another and it went unpunished or addressed. There was a vibe of parental resignation- an avoidance of helping us learn how to treat one another better.
Unfortunately, in hindsight here in mid-life, I can see a direct parallel between the distrust I had of my sister, the fear and negativity and internalized sense of myself being unlikeable, in how at high school I struggled to make positive female friends. I didn’t trust people and had low self-esteem. Helping siblings form respectful and positive relationships helps them become socialized in the broader world.
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Negative Consequences of Unhealthy Sibling Bonds
Children who grow up in an environment where they are allowed to be mean to each other and aren’t taught kindness and empathy may exhibit the following struggles in life:
- Difficulty forming close relationships with peers: It can be difficult for children to form close relationships outside the family.
- Lack of social skills: They may lack social skills, which can make it challenging for them to interact with others.
- Low self-esteem: Constant fighting and negativity from siblings can contribute to low self-esteem. It makes children feel unloved or unworthy of affection.
- Anxiety and depression: Negative interactions with siblings can cause anxiety and depression, which can have long-term effects on mental health.
- Difficulty in romantic relationships: They may have difficulty forming and maintaining romantic relationships as adults.
- Aggression and hostility: They may become aggressive and hostile, which can be problematic in social situations.
- Poor communication skills: Children may struggle to express themselves effectively, leading to miscommunication and misunderstandings.
- Inability to resolve conflicts: They may struggle to resolve conflicts with others if not taught it at home.
- Difficulty trusting others: A lack of empathy and kindness from siblings leads to difficulty trusting others. This makes it hard for children to form meaningful relationships later in life.
- Increased likelihood of substance abuse: They are at a higher risk for substance abuse. They’re more likely to use substances as a way to cope with negative emotions.
Developing Sibling Empathy and Compassion
What exactly does it mean for kids to be compassionate and empathic towards one another? It means having a self-restrained sort of sensitivity to not hurt their kin; to be able to naturally respect each other despite conflicts. That sounds like a high bar for kids but kids are capable of great compassion and empathy.
And in action, it looks simpler than it sounds. It looks like an older sibling calling for mom or grunting instead of hitting her younger sibling or calling her stupid over a taken toy. Or, telling the sibling she won’t play until they share verses screaming at her sister or making fun of her. For teens, it may look like a brother keeping quiet when he hears his brother telling a white lie to a group of friends then addressing it with him in private so as not to embarrass his brother in front of everyone.
Surely, there will be some level of sibling conflict and competition for attention. But kids who have empathy and compassion are able to put themselves in their siblings shoes and consider their feelings.
Ways To Encourage Positive Sibling Relationships
Here are some strategies you can use to set the tone in the family for healthy bonds between children. Done consistently and with love and warmth, you’ll see a turnaround in seemingly set sibling dysfunction. Or, if just starting out, these tools will help you set your kids on a positive social path.
Mind Your Tone and Love Your Partner
We really are beacons of information communicating all the time to those around us- even if not saying anything. I remember when I was 22 a friend was about to get married and had a dinner with his boss and wife. The wife said, “I want all of you young people to remember this: the most important quality in a relationship is NOT love. It is respect. Without respect, love cannot flourish.” So true!
Kids are highly sensitive creatures that will pick up on passive aggressiveness and cold vibes at home and act that out. Nurturing a respectful, warm, and fluidly communicative relationship with your partner helps your children learn how to treat others and work through conflict. It affirms to them that conflict can be normal and doesn’t have to be threatening. It can be resolved.
Developing a warm, respectful, and loving tone of voice is a powerful tool to establish social expectations in your kids. You’re their primary role model so developing mindfulness in your own relationships will transmit how to be social to your young ones.
Affirm Positive Emotions and Interactions
Words matter to kids, especially from their parents. Being mindful to give affirming praise and compliments when you witness your kids being kind and showing empathy is a great way to establish the traits in them. Try to blend these affirmations naturally throughout their day. Praise any efforts you see of them showing kindness and help them pause to notice how good it feels to be so.
Another way to do this is when you’re out and about and notice generous acts by strangers or friends, point it out to kids and help them see the positive ripple effect it has in the situation. Talk to them about how this treatment of others is a gift and strength; how it makes both you and others feel good and will help them develop friendships.
Reading books that demonstrate characters with these qualities is useful as well. The Harry Potter series or Mercer Meyer books for younger kids are great. When we affirm the good in our kids, it becomes part of their identity. And show equal praise to all kids. Let each of them witness you saying positive things of the other children.
Create Pleasurable Opportunities to Cooperate
You can help siblings develop healthy relationships that are fun and supportive by creating opportunities for them to work together. Simple things like putting them on dishes and clean up duty after dinner or raking leaves together in the fall can be made into fun with the right energy, humor, and effort. Turn on fun music while doing chores or create a family reward afterwards like a putt-putt golf outing or pizza dinner. Make sure you’re the leader of it and don’t give into yelling when they don’t cooperate. Instead, try to stay positive and move them forward in the chore.
Also, creating projects together is a great way to bond kids. Plan and design a garden bed together, each with their own special plants or decorations for it and praise each one’s contribution. Paint a piece of old furniture together, like a family bench with each other’s handprints on it, for a porch or entryway. Creating novel, fun experiences that are parent-led will help develop positive sibling associations between children.
Have Family Meetings
Having regular family meetings is a great way to help siblings have empathy and compassion. These meetings can be once a week around dinner, or in a living room over cookies and tea. Get creative! The meeting should focus on combing over any disputes that happened in the week prior that need to be resolved, setting family and individual goals for the next week, and highlighting each child’s accomplishments and life happenings of the prior week.
These meetings helps establish family values of togetherness, love, respect for one another, listening to each other, and conflict resolution skills. It’s also a great place to discuss family mottos and rules. Displaying in your home a list of family values also helps ground children in positive behavioral expectations.
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Seek Out Their Views
Sometimes the worst sibling rivalry stems from kids not feeling heard or like they’re a separate person in the family. Especially with multiple siblings, it’s easy for them to feel lost in the fray. This can lead to conflict because they don’t feel confident in their identity, their individual purpose or voice, and act out negatively or competitively with their kin.
Surely, you don’t want to make kids feel like the adults in the room, but you want to strike some kind of chord in them that each person has an important voice and perspective. Far from parental submissiveness, asking your children (within age-appropriate reason) for their thoughts about things empowers them to think critically and value their own opinions.
For example, if you’ve witnessed several coworker arguing at work over a project, you could say to your kids over dinner, “Sheila wanted to be the leader because she’s been there the longest but Max was the one who got the client. How do you think you’d work that out?” Obviously you wouldn’t go into way-over-their-heads details about corporate business relationship dynamics but just boil it down to simply philosophizing about relationships, conflicts, and resolutions.
This kind of open-minded pondering with kids helps them visualize alternative answers to experiences and generates hope that there are solutions to be made or that they themselves can imagine being in a role of problem-solver, say.
Encourage Community Involvement
There’s the obvious role-modeling of empathy and compassion in doing volunteer work with your children to inspire a duty and inclination toward those feelings. Help make sandwiches for a food kitchen, partake in neighborhood cleanup days, volunteer at the school bake fare or fundraiser.
Whatever it is- even if just making muffins for the neighbors who just moved in- doing selfless acts teaches kids they are not the center of the universe, they are a part of a larger human race, and it is our responsibility and joy to help others and be connected in kind ways.
Teach Them Conflict Management and How to Apologize
Just as important as the first recommendation I mentioned in this post about showing love and respect between you and your mate, it’s important to model a proper apology and how to amend a relationship after a conflict. This is an essential part of fostering empathy and compassion in sibling relationships.
Parents play a crucial role in modeling these behaviors for their children. When parents model a sincere apology and follow through with appropriate amends, they provide a blueprint for their children to follow when they inevitably find themselves in similar situations.
By acknowledging their mistakes, taking responsibility for their actions, and making a genuine effort to make things right, parents show their children the power of empathy and compassion. In turn, children are more likely to develop these skills themselves, leading to stronger, more positive sibling relationships.
Examples of Conflict Resolution and Good Apology
One effective conflict resolution strategy is to encourage children to express their feelings and perspectives while also actively listening to their siblings’ perspectives. Parents can facilitate this process by guiding the conversation, helping children to identify their emotions, and encouraging them to empathize with their siblings. Another strategy is to encourage children to find common ground and brainstorm solutions together.
As for a proper apology, it should include several elements, such as a sincere expression of remorse, an acknowledgement of responsibility, and a commitment to making things right. For example, a good apology might sound like, “I’m sorry for what I said earlier. It was hurtful and unfair. I take full responsibility for my actions, and I’m committed to making it up to you. What can I do to make things right?” By taking ownership of their behavior and demonstrating a willingness to make amends, children can learn to resolve conflicts in a positive and empathetic way.
The Takeaway
As a parent, you have the power to foster empathy and compassion in your children’s sibling relationships. By promoting positive communication, creating opportunities for shared experiences, recognizing and validating individual needs and feelings, and modeling effective conflict resolution strategies and sincere apologies, you’ll be setting them up for social success and fulfilling relationships. You can do a lot to help your children develop strong and meaningful bonds with their siblings! Good luck and let me know your favorite ways to foster these traits in your kiddos!