When parenting gets hard, it can feel like the road to kids’ adulthood is one long, lonely, uphill hike. With young kids, the tantrums and flailing and non-sensical impulsivity is enough to pull your hair out. With tweens and teens, boundary pushing, social media monitoring, and rule-abiding issues can all stack up to cause you to blow your lid. But there are many ways you can cope, reset, and incorporate the hard times into meaningful growth experiences.
Why Can Parenting Be So Hard?
Parenting is hard because it requires a significant amount of time, effort, patience, and responsibility. Parents are tasked with nurturing and guiding children through various stages of development, from infancy to adolescence and beyond. This involves providing physical and emotional support, teaching and modeling appropriate behavior, setting boundaries and consequences, and helping children build positive relationships with others. It’s not for the faint of heart!
Parents also face numerous challenges, such as balancing work and family life, dealing with behavioral issues, handling conflicts, and making difficult decisions that can impact their children’s future. Additionally, parenting is an ongoing process that requires continuous learning, adaptation, and self-reflection, making it a complex and challenging journey.
What Stages of Parenting are the Hardest?
Each stage of parenting presents its own unique challenges, and what may be difficult for one parent may not be as challenging for another. Here are some stages of parenting that many find particularly difficult:
- Infancy: The newborn stage can be physically and emotionally draining, with round-the-clock feedings, diaper changes, and sleepless nights. New parents may also feel overwhelmed and anxious about their ability to care for their child.
- Toddlerhood: This stage involves the emergence of independence and autonomy, which leads to power struggles and temper tantrums. Toddlers may also be testing boundaries, exploring their environment, and becoming more active, which can be exhausting for parents. I remember with my toddler feeling like a robot with eyes in the back of my head trying to keep up with him, keep him safe, and never getting what I wanted done (I was also a bit of a hover-mother, so was in part to blame!).
- Adolescence: This stage is about significant physical, emotional, and social changes, as teenagers transition into adulthood. Parents may find it challenging to navigate their children’s changing moods, behaviors, and attitudes, as well as peer pressure, social media, and other external influences. It’s the toddler stage with more language, lol.
- Empty Nest: Once children leave home and begin their own lives, parents may experience feelings of loss, sadness, or loneliness. They may also struggle with a sense of purpose and identity, as their role as a parent shifts. I think this is especially true if for the years of parenting, you fully gave up yourself and lost your autonomy and relationships.
Is It Normal for Parenting To Be Hard?
Yes, you’re normal if you feel that parenting is hard. Don’t get me wrong, parenting can be an incredibly rewarding and fulfilling experience, but it is also one of the most challenging roles a person can undertake.
Numerous studies have found that a significant proportion of parents report feeling overwhelmed, stressed, and exhausted at times. For example, a survey conducted by the American Psychological Association in 2020 found that 46% of parents with children under 18 reported that their stress levels had increased during the pandemic.
Similarly, a survey conducted by the Pew Research Center in 2015 found that 71% of parents with children under 18 reported that parenting is “always” or “often” tiring. While every parent’s experience is different, it is clear that parenting is a difficult and demanding job that requires a lot of effort, patience, and resilience.
Thankfully, with the rise in our culture of wanting to understand mental health needs, there’s less of a stigma around not liking the parenting process and parents find that they can be more honest about their negative feelings and seek support.
Kids Needs Verses Yours
One of the reasons parenting is hard is that parents often have to set aside their own needs to prioritize their children’s well-being. This can be particularly challenging in the early stages of parenting when children require constant attention and care, which can leave parents with little time or energy for themselves. For example, when parents sacrifice their sleep, hobbies, or social life to care for their child’s needs.
Additionally, as children grow and develop, parents may need to adjust their schedules and routines to accommodate their children’s activities and interests, such as attending school events, driving them to extracurricular activities, or helping them with homework. This can leave parents feeling drained, stressed, and overwhelmed, and may lead to feelings of resentment or guilt for neglecting their own needs (hello mirror, this was me many times!.
It is important for parents to recognize the importance of self-care and to find ways to prioritize their own well-being, such as seeking support from friends or family, taking breaks when needed, or engaging in activities that bring them joy and relaxation. However, this is easier said than done, as parents feel a sense of duty and responsibility to prioritize their children’s needs above their own. Let’s deep dive into how to make parenting a bit easier.
How To Make Parenting Easier
There are several useful way we can make parenting easier. By prioritizing self-care and your needs, understanding child development, setting realistic expectations, getting organized, and maintaining a positive attitude, parents can manage the challenges of raising kids while maintaining their own life and well-being.
1) Prioritize Your Own Needs and Practice Self-Care
It’s easy to lose yourself in parenting and stop remembering what you even like or not or what your needs are. Below are some core needs from Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs that if you address on the regular will stave off any parental resentment and hardship.
Maslow’s Needs:
- Physical and Safety Needs: Thankfully, most of us have this covered. It’s the basic level of needs: shelter, food, clothing, income. But if you’re struggling here, be sure to address this core human need and seek help.
- Love and Belonging: Having kind and loving friendships, family connections, intimacy, and community. We all need to feel connected to a larger human network. If you’re feeling lonely, reach out and start to nurture your friendships again.
- Esteem: having respect for self and from others, recognition, status, a level of personal freedom and competency at something. Perhaps you need to invest in babysitters or call on family to help with the kids so you can focus some time on doing something you’re good at or working a job you thrive in.
- Self-actualization: the need to fulfill our purpose in life; to be all that we can be and live our best self, so-to-speak. This one is at the top of the pyramid and probably for good reason: it’s a little more challenging to attain. It speaks to the human need to live up to our potential and become what we dream we can become. It may take you longer being a parent, but to neglect this need is to deny that within you exists the desire to be great (in your own way. That can mean being the best mom or dad you can. You don’t have to cure cancer or be an Olympian! Maybe your version of greatness is to go from being cynical to being kinder).
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Release the Guilt
Prioritizing and meeting your own needs as a human is key to staying out of the “parenting is misery” mentality. It’s that old airplane metaphor of putting the oxygen mask on yourself first. If you as a parent are unhappy, stressed, angry, and exhausted, those vibes spread throughout the household.
On the other hand, when you and your partner are healthy, energetic, positive, and self-assured, that sets a living example for the kids. Don’t feel guilty for making yourself a priority. It’s a great way to model self-care to your kids!
2) Study Child Development and Adjust Expectations
Parents should set realistic expectations for themselves and their children. This includes recognizing that parenting is not always perfect and that it’s okay to make mistakes. Educating yourself on the stages of child development will help you feel prepared and give you a framework for navigating the various growth cycles of children and teens.
Not only that, I find that reading books and listening to podcasts on child development make me feel connected to other parents and that I’m not alone in facing challenging times with often challenging children. It will help you understand, for instance, that toddlers and even older kids don’t come out and express emotions directly. They don’t have the language and intellectual tools yet to do that as their pre-frontal cortex, the reasoning part of us, isn’t developed (and wont’ be till around age 25!).
Thus, knowing this can help you “see beyond” the outburst to the raw emotion behind it. That Jane isn’t trying to make you feel embarrassed with her yelling at the supermarket, she’s just overwhelmed and at a loss as to how to control her strong feelings.
Learning about kids’ growing brains and stages of development will help you craft routines, boundaries, and goals for them as well as give you insight into the roots of their behavior. It will help you to not take their behavior personally.
Resources for Learning Child Development:
Here are some amazing books and podcasts to help educate you on child-development and give you strategies for each stage of kids’ growth:
For Toddlers and Young Kids:
- Janet Landsbury’s podcast Unruffled and her book No Bad Kids: Toddler Discipline Without Shame.
- Tovah Kline’s book, How Toddler’s Thrive
- Good Inside with Dr. Becky podcast
For Tweens and Teens:
- Parenting Great Kids Podcast with Dr. Meg Meeker
- Ask Lisa: The Psychology of Parenting
- The Parenting Teens Solution Podcast with Phinnah Chichi
- Janet Lahey’s The Addiction Inoculation book
3) Loosen Up on the Parental Control
One of the things I found extremely hard when I was a new mom of my first born was to let go and let him grow. I was that hover-mom following him around as a toddler with quick arms to catch him when he fell. I was there when he was 5 to “intervene” if he was having an argument with a friend. Sigh, I’m embarrassed in retrospect about how fearful I was. I’ve learned through other moms and by reading that it’s actually a positive thing to back off and let children do their thing.
Why You Should Let Go of Your Kids a Bit
There are several reasons why loosening parental control can be a positive thing for children’s development:
- Encourages Independence: Allowing children to make their own decisions and take responsibility for their actions can help them develop a sense of independence and self-confidence. Studies have shown that children who have more autonomy are more likely to be self-reliant and successful in adulthood.
- Improves Communication: When parents give their children more freedom, it can improve communication between them. Children are more likely to share their thoughts and feelings when they feel that their parents trust them and value their opinions.
- Reduces Stress: Overly controlling parents can cause stress and anxiety in children. Loosening up on parental control can help reduce stress and promote a more relaxed and positive family environment.
- Develops Decision-making Skills: Giving children the opportunity to make their own decisions can help them develop decision-making skills that will serve them well in adulthood. Children who have experience making choices are more likely to make better decisions later in life.
- Enhances Social Skills: When children are allowed to socialize and make friends on their own, they develop better social skills. Studies have shown that children who have more freedom to socialize are more likely to be well-adjusted and have positive relationships with others.
Remember, kids’ critical thinking forms by not having you always there to jump in and problem solve. Obviously, it is important for parents to find a balance between giving their children freedom and ensuring their safety and well-being. And surely kids DO need guidance, structure, and character-shaping. But let’s not forget that loosening the reigns a bit liberates them to become their own thinker and can help free you up to focus on yourself!
4) Develop the Habit of a Positive Outlook
Having a positive outlook can have a significant impact on child-rearing. When parents maintain a positive outlook, it can influence the way they interact with their children, and help to create a more supportive and nurturing environment for kids to grow.
Here are a few ways a positive outlook can help in child-rearing:
- Model Positive Behavior: Children often model the behavior they see in their parents. When parents maintain a positive outlook, they are more likely to model positive behavior for their children. This can include being more patient, compassionate, and understanding, which can have a significant impact on children’s emotional well-being.
- Create a Safe and Nurturing Environment: A positive outlook can help parents create a safe and nurturing environment for their children. This can include providing emotional support, encouragement, and praise, which can help children feel valued and loved.
- Promote Resilience: A positive outlook can also promote resilience in children. When parents maintain a positive outlook, they can help their children develop the skills they need to overcome challenges and setbacks. This can include teaching children problem-solving skills, encouraging them to be resilient in the face of adversity, and helping them develop a growth mindset.
- Build Stronger Relationships: When parents maintain a positive outlook, they are more likely to build strong, positive relationships with their children. This can include spending quality time together, being supportive of their interests and hobbies, and providing emotional support when needed.
It may take some habit-building if you’re used to being more fearful or seeing the glass half-empty, but by maintaining a positive outlook, parents can help their children develop into happy, healthy, and well-adjusted adults. Not only that, but parenting becomes a whole lot more enjoyable!
Turning Hardship Into Joy
When we can face parenting head on by understanding child development and the skills, boundaries, and needs they have at those stages, we’re better off at navigating tough times with skill. And when we understand that when we as parents honor our own needs and desires (and that this is a positive thing to model to kids within reason) that parenting stops feeling so hard.
In fact, with a hearty balance between minding your kids needs and your own, parenting starts to feel like an accomplishment and we can reap the joy and meaning that is inherent in the process of raising another human being.