Post Updated: 1/19/2024
Are you a good friend? How often do we ask that of ourselves? If we have friends we assume that we are, otherwise we wouldn’t have anything to do on a Friday night. Yet having friends isn’t always an indicator that you’re any good at it. How can we know?
Asking our friends if they consider us one may open up a can of worms you’d rather not deal with. Buried-under-the-rug situations may arise or old grudges and slights that speak their blaming words. However, it’s worth finding out. Having high quality friendships boosts your happiness and gives life quality, not to mention their importance for self-growth.
Testing Good Friendships
Recently, a long time friendship of mine was challenged. She expected me to make the effort to visit her new home several states away and never mentioned it. I expected her to understand that I was financially strapped. I had family obligations that couldn’t accommodate such a trip in the past year. It came to a head when I made a short last minute road trip plans with another friend.
She felt burned and disrespected that I hadn’t prioritized her. I felt unheard as I didn’t get to explain that I just recently had the job and life changes that would make it possible to travel again. I felt accused of not being a good friend. She felt forgotten about, not prioritized, and excluded.
What culminated was a week long stonewalling between us, each of us wondering what the breach meant for our friendship. Were we as close as we assumed? Or had we fallen down a notch into ambivalent friends, or worse, acquaintances? Thankfully, we had a strong relationship and survived the rift.
But it had me questioning my friend-worth. Had I failed her? What were my friendships like now days? Have I let them go from robust sisterhoods to superficial afterthoughts? Peering into the crystal ball of my future I saw that if I let the latter become the normal, I would grow old awfully alone and lacking love.
The Importance of Friends
It’s easy as we age to let go of friendships. Having a demanding career, a partner, and children can push aside what once was a surefire way to lift you up and feel connected. The circle of importance is smaller as we grow up, friendships squeezed out to the perimeter, last in line for your precious time and energy.
But according to friendship expert (yep, that’s a thing!) Lydia Denworth, who wrote the book “Friendship: The Evolution, Biology, and Extraordinary Power of Life’s Fundamental Bond” that is a mistake. She says that healthy friendships help us live longer and give us purpose. They boost our resilience because they provide much needed emotional and spiritual support and an intimacy that we often cannot get with our partners and family members.
Remember slumber parties? That vibe of just laughing and confession truths and indulging in sharing your recent interests and beauty secrets? And being able to call up a friend when you just had an argument with your loved one and venting it on their shoulders with their empathy? Or the times when a friend gently called you out for a behavior that everyone thought wasn’t cool but was afraid to tell you? They told you because they loved you and wanted you to be socially well. Friends provide fun, novelty, and deepen our life experiences.
That’s what healthy friendship is. Nurturing them is as important as our own family. You have to find time for them and invest in them like a good stock account that will return dividends down the road. You’ll need them someday, like today! And it’s good for your heart to give and help others throughout life. Here is food for thought about friendship and how you can improve yours.
Ambivalent and Toxic Friendships
Denworth says, “An ambivalent relationship is a relationship where you have positive feelings and negative feelings about the person or about your interactions with them.” In other words, room for doubt and distrust exist and a sense that the ground is not solid. For example, you may have a wonderfully close conversation one week then learn your friend shared something intimate you’d said with another friend the next. It was a minor crack in the trust of your relationship, regardless of the intention.
A toxic relationship is something worse, where there is negative codependence, possibly verbal abuse, or manipulation. For instance, in the situation above, the friend not only told another your confidences but “jokingly” made fun of you at a party for it in front of a group. Cut toxic relationships off if they cannot be made positive and wholesome.
But ambivalent friendships can be fixed. The reason, according to Denworth’s research, that ambivalent relationships ought to be addressed is because there’s evidence of a correlation between them and cardiovascular and other health issues. With a little care and attention, you can rise them out of the indifference they’re in. You can make them stronger and more supportive, truly improving all parties well-being and resilience. Implement the following values for friendship building.
You’re A Good Friend If You Keep Your Word
Keeping your word is key to maintaining a friendship. If you tell a friend you’ll call by a certain time, call. If you made plans a month ahead with them, don’t make an excuse to cancel. And if you’ve promised to keep quiet about something they’ve confided, zip that mouth up tight. You want to show your friend you’re reliable and trustworthy.
One of the mistakes I’ve made lately as a friend is cancelling plans to get together. It’s ok to do that now and then, as life happens. But I’ve let raising my toddler get in the way of my plans. I’ve told myself, “Ugh, I don’t have childcare so need to cancel.” I did this three times to one friend. Too many times and your friend will start to think you don’t value your commitment to the relationship and may stop seeking you company!
Guess what happened? She hasn’t reached out to me in the past few weeks and her text responses are more dry. I now have to reinvest in order to preserve the relationship. If you’ve said you’ll spend time, commit to it! In my case, I could easily bring my kid with me or try harder to find a family member to watch him. Keep your word.
The Street Is Two Ways
You’re a good friend if your friends are not always the ones planning get-togethers and reaching out. Take stock of all the times you’ve spoken to your friends lately. Review your texts. Are you the initiator or they? Do you plan outings and fun events or are you always the participant never the invitation-giver?
People love being thought of by inviting them out. People feel cared for when they get a phone call or text just expressing you’re thinking of them or asking about something they’ve shared with you, wanting to know how it’s going. Be thoughtful. Take the literal 1 minute time out of your day to reach out. Look into the next month and plan a ladies night out to the comedy club or happy hour or a hike. If you’re never doing the initiating, you’re not on a two-way friends street but in a taking mode. Don’t take your friends for granted!
You’re Not Fair-Weathered if You’re a Good Friend
Do you only respond or reach out to your friends when it’s convenient to you or serving you in some way? Do you occasionally ghost your friends text threads or calls? Or maybe the conversation always has to revert to you and your issues and situations. Being a good friend means being consistent, even when you don’t feel like it.
Don’t only show up only when it’s going to be a fun event or when you have all your ducks in a row. People can sniff out when you’re self-absorbed and in it for yourself. To be a great friend, make it an intention to be a regular force of goodness in their lives, simply by reaching our or being regularly responsive and positive.
You’re A Good Friend If You Speak Truth with Care
I had a friend tell me that I didn’t accept criticism or feedback well. That I was overly sensitive about my own flaws but was too abrasive when speaking to others of theirs. Ouch. That was a long time ago and you know what? I took his words to heart and bettered myself. His comments made me want to be more mindful of my speech and careful how I treated others.
The important thing was that he said it to me in private, prefacing it with, “I’d like to talk to you about something.” He didn’t bombard me out of the blue but set up a time and place to tell me, making sure it would be just us. His tone was calm and caring and I was told how much he valued our friendship.
I was mad at first and felt, like he said, overly sensitive about it. This highlighted that I had real confidence and self-esteem issues, that I then took initiative to work on. But later, I deeply appreciated his courage in telling me. I knew he was a real friend because he believed in me enough to know I wasn’t living up to my best potential and he wanted to lift me up. If I want the truth, I consult him. That’s gold.
If you’re a good friend, you don’t ignore a friend’s bad behavior. But you talk to them about it heart-to-heart, with upmost care and respect.
A Good Friend Shows Up When It’s Important
Births of children, deaths of loved ones, divorces, breakups, job losses, graduations, and weddings. These are milestone moments in a friend’s life that you must show up for. Sure, things happen where you can’t make it to everything. But you’d better make a deal of it regardless with a killer card, gift, or surprise.
Just as in your romantic relationships, to truly honor your friends and cement that trust between you, you have to show up when it’s important to them. This can mean simply dropping what you’re doing to call them as soon as you get a text that they’re crying and upset about something. It can mean knowing when your physical presence is needed even if they say it’s ok not to come.
A friend of mine’s mother passed away during Covid. She lived 2 hours away. I offered to come right away but she told me to wait. Days later, she said another friend came anyway, despite her saying to hold off. My friend realized how much she really needed a friend’s presence, that she didn’t get, until her friend was there, how much her company helped with parenting tasks and logistics she needed to handle.
It was a lesson to me to just show up as much as you can when you deep down know it’s important. Doing so will deposit funds into the bank of your friendship. When the time comes time for your needs, you can withdraw from this bank of love.
In Conclusion
Being mindful of what it means to be a good friend will help you implement actions that create a lasting relationship. With little efforts, your friendships will blossom into strong, supportive pillars upon which you can thrive. We need friendships. They are such a source of fun, novelty, empathy, support, and joy. Don’t let life get in the way of them. There’s always room for friends.