Post Updated 1/2/24
Depression’s grip can be an alarming experience, both for the individual suffering and for those who care about them. And knowing what to do when you’re depressed isn’t easy. It often feels like a pervasive shadow, casting its influence over entire families, leaving a trail of frustration and sorrow as loved ones struggle to offer support.
The origins of depression can vary, sometimes stemming from life-altering events like the loss of a loved one or a job. Yet, in other cases, it lingers persistently, a constant, unwelcome companion. Despite treatment plans and medications, solutions are not always straightforward or effective.
In this article, we explore the nuanced experience of living in a household affected by depression, the personal journey of confronting and understanding one’s own depression, and the daily practices that can offer meaningful relief and a path toward healing.
Depression Symptoms
Symptoms of depression include anger, trouble sleeping, everyday sadness, dark ruminations, and muscle aches and pains. Random daydreams can consist of horrific expectations of death and dying, like illnesses or accidents, or unwanted thoughts about the past.
Moreover, there’s a generalized sense of dread in one’s daily life. Having endured depression myself, I’ve learned the art of shaking off negative thoughts. It’s a conscious effort to replace them with positivity, anchoring myself firmly in the present moment.
Most of these symptoms appear regularly if you suffer from depression. Some days you may feel upbeat and fine. But if the long view of your days contains these symptoms, you may be depressed.
Perhaps there’s a part of you that whispers, “this isn’t a real ailment; you’re just not good enough at life and need to get your shit together!”. This is a classic voice of depression.
Life can markedly improve through the adoption of specific self-care routines. In my experience, these alone were sufficient for healing, though others may also require medication. Coming to terms with depression is undoubtedly challenging.
A crucial insight I’ve gained is the profound impact that growing up in a household marred by depression can have on children, often predisposing them to similar struggles later in life. Let’s find out why.
Growing Up With a Depressed Parent
Going upstairs to find my mom one afternoon as a teenager, I found her in bed with the shades drawn, sleeping away the day. Immediately I felt hollow, alone. Other times she would eat bowl after bowl of cereal with a dazed and strained look on her face, sometimes crying afterwards and disappearing into herself.
Something was wrong with her and I didn’t understand what.
Witnessing moments like these was scary and sad. In these moments, I felt like she didn’t have the energy to spend on me. I wanted her attention and love but depression made it hard for her to give it. My father was avoidant of the situation and how it may be affecting us kids.
It happened enough, these parental disappearances, that when they did try to connect, I didn’t naturally trust the effort because it felt like a strange moment. Thus, I closed the door to closeness.
And the truth is that they did care tremendously. My mom wasn’t always like that. She sang and cooked wonderful meals, whistled while she cleaned. But on a day-to-day level, she could seem unavailable, distant, moody, and down.
But the thing is, if as a child, the dominant parental vibe is depressive or not too engaged with the kids, kids can grow up susceptible to sadness.
Unintended Consequences of Depression
This is because when children cannot depend on consistent emotional support or tempered behavior modeling, they learn to not depend on or trust their parents, and thus, others.
Even as parents may deeply love their children and have the best intentions, if depression causes them to have consistent emotional disconnection, children feel alone and lost, unable to regulate their own feelings.
For instance, I spend my late teens and early twenties feeling alone and lost, like I hadn’t an adult to really rely on for emotional support and guidance. Yet, I had a lot of friends.
But every child needs a trusted adult to confide in and I felt that was lacking for me. It wasn’t my parents fault. They did try. But the moments of their trying stuck less with me than their withdraw and depression.
I think this is somewhat normal in families, especially with teens; parents often don’t have the tools to bond with teens. But the language of feelings was was missing and I had so many jumbled up inside that it often felt suffocating. “What is wrong with me?” became my dominant inner voice.
Wiring Children for Depression is a Chicken and Egg Dilemma
What comes first: being predisposed genetically to depression or adverse childhood experiences that make it happen? There’s 10% of people, according to Stanford Medicine, who are wired for major depression. The formation of it is still a somewhat uncertain thing, a combination of genetic triggers.
But the rest of people who suffer a form of depression are for the most part victims of a type of situation that made it easy for depression to form. We all know the likely culprits: drug and alcohol in the family, abuse, neglect, sexual trauma.
But, as mentioned, a seemingly benign lack of parental attention can wire children for a depressed state. Fundamental survival needs can be met, but if there is a consistent lack of warmth and interest towards the children they can grow up having social-emotional issues.
This can lead to feelings of worthlessness and regrets, shame, and hopelessness because these kids often misbehave. Kids thus don’t know how to make friends or solve social problems, which causes situational depression and identity issues.
Expecting people to not care about them becomes normal and loneliness creeps in. And loneliness and lack of connection with others is a huge cause for lasting depression.
The bottom line is that even if the brain is not clinically wired for depression, depression can take hold if it was modeled for you as normal and your human need for caring attention was inadequately met as a child. As an adult, you don’t know how to produce the types of real, validating, warm relationships needed to thrive.
Finding Hope Amidst the Pain
For years, I denied my depression, despite frequent complaints, crying spells, and pervasive sadness. My sister’s intervention made me reconsider and seek help. Acknowledging my depression was difficult, as I could link it to social failures, poor decisions, and loneliness.
I doubted the efficacy of medication, believing my issues required psychological, not just pharmacological, intervention. The dilemma was whether my depression stemmed from these experiences or caused them.
Initially, I tried antidepressants, which marginally improved my mood. However, as the old problems persisted, I opted for a more holistic approach, which proved more effective.
Below, I detail the steps I took to manage my depression and enhance my mental well-being.
Steps to Take When You’re Depressed
Self-care during periods of depression is a crucial yet often overlooked aspect of the journey towards mental wellness. It’s about creating a nurturing space for yourself where healing can begin and flourish, even amidst the challenges.
By embracing a personalized blend of physical, emotional, and mental self-care strategies, you can navigate through depression with greater resilience and hope.
Find a Therapist
Having a counseling professional is key to saving your mental health from chronic depression. It is important to have someone who is not a friend, family member, or significant other to share our innermost thoughts and feelings with. They are trained to not be biased or codependent, tied to what you say.
Instead, they maintain a detached sense of care and compassion and seek to help guide you through your toughest experiences. Shop around for someone who feels right to you. There’s online agencies as well such as Better Help and Talk Space if you prefer therapy from home.
In therapy, you’ll have the chance to process lingering situations and unresolved experiences, and to work on a strategy for getting well.
What To Do When You’re Depressed: Move Your Body
Depression can make you want to crawl under blankets and disappear. It can make you stare at the wall or sit stuck ruminating in a chair. Movement is a great way to interrupt a depressive spell as it gets your happy hormones flowing and the novelty can often be enough to snap you out of a bad mood.
One of the hardest things I’ve observed about my mom and even myself when in a bought of sadness is to be motivated to do anything. The thing about it is, motivation often comes after the action. You can wait around forever until you feel good. But it may never come unless you take action.
A lot of recovery often is faking it till you make it or acting against your feeling of giving into sitting around being sad. Taking action builds real confidence and self-esteem. It requires a bit of discipline and self care to simply go on a walk or partake in an exercise class but once you do, I bet you’ll feel uplifted and maybe inspired about life.
Make it a point, a treatment requirement, to exercise every day in some way. Do it despite your lack of motivation. Do it for YOU.
Socialize Your Way Out of Depression
Socializing goes by the wayside when you’re utterly depressed. It’s the last thing you want to do when low. Maybe its the worry of bothering people with your Debbie Downer vibe or feeling withdrawn and incompetent at talking to others.
But this is one of the most important ways to combat depression: having friends. Humans need connection. We are wired to be pack animals and be together. Sometimes just sitting in a crowded cafe reading will be enough for you. Or a simple lunch date with a family member.
Maybe you talk about your depression, maybe you decide on other things to talk about. Just plan something every week socially to look forward to. Maybe it’s going to church or going to a game.
Maybe you’ll feel pretentious acting happy and smiling when you’re really depressed. Or maybe you’ll find that part of you was longing to be happy and smiling and that’s a part of yourself you’ve struggled to let free. Commit to it on a regular basis, choosing trustworthy people to be with. You may find some solace in their company.
Use Your Hands/Be Creative
“Idle hands are the devil’s playthings,” a religious quote goes. Put another way, when we do creative things with our hands, it often has an amazing power of getting us out of our heads and freeing the heart. Along with being innately social creatures, I believe we are creative ones.
We need to be creative and express ourselves. It doesn’t have to be playing an instrument or painting. It can be simply creating a lovely meal or making a card for someone. You can learn to needle felt while watching TV or simply pick up a sketch book and draw the most non-skilled thing ever.
When seeking out what to do when you’re depressed, be creative every week. Use your hands to make something. It will get you out of your head, help you focus on something besides your problems, and could be the beginning of a newfound hobby.
Complete a Small Thing
The completion of small goals boosts happy hormones and a sense of self-pride. For instance, simple things like making your bed nice and neat when you wake can give a sudden sense of accomplishment. Actions help ground you into purpose.
Clean the bathroom, drop that bag off to the thrift store. Go to the garden store and finally pick out plants for that empty pot on your porch. Make a small list each day and week of things you can do, that need to be done, or that you’ve been procrastinating on.
Cross them off one by one and each time, take a few moments to notice the sense of peace and pride you feel at having completed something. This is where
“what do do when you’re depressed” meets getting practical things done as well!
Eat Well and Avoid Substances When You’re Depressed
Eating well is like fueling your body and mind with the best energy source available. Think of it this way: the food you eat can be a game-changer for your mood and energy levels. Incorporating a variety of nutritious foods, especially fruits, vegetables, lean proteins, and whole grains, is key.
If you’re up for it, cooking can be surprisingly therapeutic as well, especially if joined with friends or family. Experimenting with new recipes and creating nutritious meals not only feeds your body but can also be a joyful experience for your mind. What to do when you’re depressed can be as simple as baking muffins for the neighborhood fundraiser.
And hydration – it’s simple but vital. Water keeps everything in your body running smoothly and can subtly lift your spirits too. However, we all love a bit of comfort food, but those sugary, processed temptations can lead to energy crashes and mood dips.
Moreover, steer clear of alcohol and drugs if you’re depressed. They might seem like quick fixes, but they’re really just putting a band-aid on a deep wound and often end up making things worse.
Journal Write or Vent Your Feelings
Let’s talk about the power of journaling. It’s like having a conversation with yourself on paper (or screen). Just pour out your thoughts and feelings – no rules, no judgments. It’s a fantastic way to process what you’re going through.
If you’re staring at a blank page and don’t know where to start, prompts can be your best friends. They kickstart your thoughts and guide you through your emotional landscape. But journaling isn’t the only way.
Sometimes, talking it out is what you need to do when you’re depressed. Whether it’s a trusted friend, a family member, or a therapist, voicing your feelings out loud can bring a new perspective and a sense of release. Remember, it’s about finding what works for you in expressing and understanding your emotions.
The Takeaway of What to do When You’re Depressed
Growing up where depression has a hold can be life debilitating. Finding hope again sometimes feels like swimming up from the bottom of the dark ocean. It’s not your fault that you feel this way. We all work within the awareness levels we have. We all have things we are ashamed of and struggles we hide.
When depression has been normal for you for most of your life, it can feel impossible to change but it can be helped. Understanding your life history will strengthen your self compassion and give you freedom to choose your future.
And applying new healthy habits, though awkward and strange at first, will lead you into a better frame of mind. I know because I’ve been there and though still struggle with depression, am so much better than I used to be. Let’s stay on the upward spiral together.